Secondhand Stress for Caregivers: When Your Loved One’s Emotions Become Your Own

Recognize what it feels like, and learn steps to safeguard your mental health

Susan Jara,

AARP

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En español

Published July 31, 2025

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Have you ever stepped out of your loved one’s room, or ended a phone call, and suddenly felt drained — your chest tight, heart racing or an unexplained wave of exhaustion?

It’s not in your head. Family caregivers can “catch” the emotions of those they care for, absorbing their anxiety, frustration or sadness without realizing it. This phenomenon is called secondhand stress.

What is secondhand stress?

Secondhand stress, also called secondary traumatic stress, is the emotional strain caregivers experience when they absorb the pain or trauma of someone they care for. Even though you’re not the one facing illness or trauma directly, being close to their anxiety, sadness or frustration can affect your emotions, your health and how you show up in the world.

“It’s not your trauma, but it becomes your stress,” explains Amy Goyer, author and AARP’s national family and caregiving expert. “You’re absorbing what they’re going through, especially if you’re empathetic by nature.”

Who is at risk?

According to Barbara Rubel, a caregiver trauma expert and author of Living Blue and But I Didn’t Say Goodbye, certain caregivers may be more vulnerable to secondhand stress due to personality traits, emotional sensitivities or life experiences, including those who:

Are highly sensitive persons (HSPs), who process sensory information deeply, get easily overstimulated and feel emotions intensely
Have a history of personal trauma
Experience chronic worry or anxiety
Struggle with low self-confidence in managing caregiving challenges
Tend toward high agreeableness, often overextending themselves to help others
Are socially withdrawn, limiting emotional support networks
Lack resilience or coping strategies to manage emotional tolls

How secondhand stress shows up

Feeling tired or stretched thin is a normal part of caregiving. But secondhand stress goes deeper. Left unrecognized, it can take a serious toll on your physical and mental health.

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“Caregiving stress doesn’t just stay in your mind. It is stored in the body,” says Rubel. “Physical symptoms are the body’s way of expressing and holding on to the emotional strain of caregiving. This leads to exhaustion, disrupted sleep, headaches, digestive issues or even long-term health problems.”

Rubel shares some physical and emotional red flags that you may be absorbing too much stress:

In your body and mind:

Trouble sleeping
Headaches or stomach problems
Racing heart
Feeling numb or hopeless
Fatigue that doesn’t go away
Frequent negative thinking
Unexpected emotional outbursts

In your day-to-day life:

Feeling drained after visits or calls with your loved one
Snapping at others over small things
Avoiding visits or phone calls
Stopping the activities you once enjoyed
Feeling guilty for taking time for yourself

Tip: Ask someone close to you if they’ve noticed changes in your mood, energy or behavior. Sometimes others can see what we’re too overwhelmed to notice, notes Goyer.

A real-life wake-up call

Goyer remembers a moment, while caring for her mother, Patricia (who passed away in 2013), when she realized something wasn’t right. She found herself yelling at a lab technician on the phone — something she never does. “I got so angry. I was yelling at this person, which is not me. It’s not how I operate,” she recalls. “They put me on hold, and I thought, I can’t believe I’m yelling at this person — I’m so out of control.”

The trigger? A messed-up lab order for her mom’s chronic urinary tract infections (UTIs). The lab had made a mistake and was asking her to bring her mom back, something that was logistically and emotionally difficult at the time.

She realized that she wasn’t angry but afraid. “This is fear,” says Goyer. “I’m scared for Mom to have another UTI that doesn’t get treated. She had sepsis [a life-threatening condition caused by infection] before. I was afraid of the whole process — getting her around, having to take time off work, the whole thing.”

That moment was a red flag — not just for how overwhelmed she was but for how much of her mother’s emotional burden she was carrying and how she needed to make a change.

How to cope: 7 strategies that help

Finding ways to manage secondhand stress means developing a few key skills.

“Think of it as sort of a buffet,” says Judith Tedlie Moskowitz, a Department of Medical Social Sciences professor at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. “You don’t have to do them all … just try each one and then figure out which one works for you that you can keep doing in an ongoing way.”

1. Build emotional boundaries.

Without emotional boundaries, it’s easy to take on someone else’s stress as your own. Setting gentle limits helps protect your emotional energy so you can keep showing up with care and compassion.

“When somebody’s in quicksand, you don’t have to jump in with them to save them,” says Goyer. “You can throw them a rope.” Try:

Taking short breaks from intense conversations
Sending a text message if a call is too taxing
Visualizing a protective bubble around yourself during challenging moments
Saying out loud: “This is not my illness. This is not my trauma.”
Checking in with yourself before or after caregiving tasks. Ask: How am I feeling right now? What do I need?

2. Fuel your tank.

“You can’t drive on empty,” says Goyer. “I was going to the gas station. My car was on fumes. I’d forgotten to put gas in it. As I pulled away from the gas station, I thought, You know, it actually drives better on a full tank. That was my aha moment.”

For too long, Goyer expected herself to run on empty, believing she could function just as well. But that moment clarified everything: “To be my most effective, just like my car, I have to fill my tank,” she says.

Think of your energy like a fuel tank. Keep it topped off with:

Mini fill-ups: Small moments that brighten your day, like pet cuddles or a hot shower. Premium fuel: Deeper recharging activities, such as dinner with a friend, attending a support group or enjoying a solo movie night.

Routine maintenance: Foundational habits like sleep, exercise and nourishing meals that keep you steady over time.

Goyer reminds us, “Even $10 in the tank gets you down the road.” The key is to be mindful of what fuels you, both big and small, and make time for it regularly.

She also shares a touching memory of her father, who had Alzheimer’s: When he said her name or showed he recognized her, “that filled my tank all the way,” giving her emotional strength that lasted through many difficult days.

3. Try the FABULOUS Framework.

Rubel developed this easy-to-remember tool to help caregivers protect their energy and build resilience to better manage or prevent stress. Try to incorporate it into your stress management strategies.

F – Flexibility: Learn to adapt your thinking. Let go of rigid patterns and become more open to change and new perspectives.

A – Attitude: Discover ways to stay positive, even during difficult moments. A hopeful mindset can make challenges feel more manageable.

B – Boundaries: Set clear and healthy limits — both emotionally and physically. Know what behavior is acceptable, and protect your own space.

U – Understanding job satisfaction: Reflect on how caregiving aligns with your core values. Recognize that caregiving can offer meaning, fulfillment and a sense of purpose.

L – Laughter: Embrace humor that reflects your values, and seek out moments of joy, even in small ways, throughout your day.

O – Optimism: Nurture a hopeful outlook. Believe that better moments are possible and that your efforts matter.

U – United: Stay connected. Lean on friends, family, community or professional support to avoid isolation. You don’t have to do this alone.

S – Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially during tough times. Offer yourself the same care you give to others — acknowledge your efforts without harsh self-judgment.

4. Make room for positive emotion.

“Even in the midst of really extreme stress — like caregiver stress — positive emotions are possible and beneficial,” says Judith Tedlie Moskowitz, the principal investigator on multiple NIH-funded trials testing interventions to boost positive emotion and improve psychological and physical well-being. “They help you replenish your resources to continue coping with chronic stress and caregiving.”

The first step is awareness. “Positive events are always happening,” even if small, like “a good cup of coffee or a sunny day after a few days of rain,” Moskowitz says. These positive emotions don’t erase negative ones, but they “help lift you out of being in that sort of downward spiral of Everything’s terrible.”

5. Creating joy together.

Remember: You’re not just a caregiver; you’re also a daughter, son, spouse or friend. Creating joy together can help keep secondhand stress at bay and remind you that love and laughter exist even amid caregiving challenges. “My parents love musicals, and I love musicals, so we would watch musicals and sing along, and that filled me up a bit,” says Goyer, who recommends:

Laughing together at a silly TV show
Looking through old photos and sharing memories
Singing favorite songs out loud

6. Be kind to yourself

When you’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to think, I should be stronger. But beating yourself up only makes secondhand stress worse. Moskowitz encourages a simple mindset shift: Consider: If a friend were feeling this, how would you respond? Now talk to yourself that way.

Moskowitz says to try:

Naming the emotion: “I feel frustrated.”

Asking what’s behind it: “Am I tired? Scared? Alone?”

Responding with kindness: “This is hard, and I’m doing my best.”

Moskowitz also stresses the importance of self-kindness and “not judging yourself for whatever it is that you are experiencing.” Thoughts like I’m a terrible caregiver or I left him alone for a minute are common — but mindfulness teaches us to notice those feelings without harsh self-criticism, she says.

7. Know when to ask for help.

If you feel stuck, overwhelmed or numb, it might be time to reach out to a mental health professional or caregiver support group to help you better understand and cope with secondhand stress.

Try:

Joining a caregiver support group or online forum. Goyer is a moderator of the AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group, a private Facebook group.
Asking your doctor about mental health apps or resources. Moskowitz recommends It’s All Good Here and Happify.

The bottom line: Caring deeply doesn’t mean carrying everything. “Self-care is not optional — and it’s not selfish. It’s just practical,” says Goyer. “Everything you do to care for yourself, from setting boundaries to managing your finances, helps reduce stress and protects you from secondary trauma, compassion fatigue and burnout. These practices help you cope better.”

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Susan Jara is a health writer and editor who covers chronic illness, autoimmune conditions, caregiving and general women’s health and well-being. She writes for consumer health sites like Everyday Health and Reader’s Digest as well as patient advocacy organizations.