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My Mother Makes Harmful Decisions for My Father. I Am Powerless to Protect Him
Understanding why a parent rejects caregiving help may create a path to greater involvement and trust
7-minute read
Vidhya Nagarajan
Key takeaways
- Before seeking greater involvement, adult children should try to understand why their parents are excluding them from caregiving.
- Legally competent adults may make medical and financial choices that their children consider risky or harmful.
- Praising the primary caregiver, suggesting practical help and offering partnership may build trust without challenging parental authority.
Editors asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in this column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic.
My father’s cognitive abilities are quickly declining, and my mother has become his primary caregiver. Although she is extremely loving toward him, she makes medical decisions, such as delaying diagnosis and treatment, that aren’t abusive or neglectful but are harmful. I am very close to my parents and the “responsible child,” but they’ve made the decision to exclude me from the caregiving. It seems that my dad’s safety and well-being will soon be at risk, and I will be legally powerless to protect him.
—KW, Saint Johns, Florida
(Edited for length and clarity)
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Jacobs: It’s upsetting and alarming that your parents have excluded you from caregiving despite how deeply you care and sincerely you want to help. But it isn’t surprising. Many adult children feel similarly thwarted and “powerless.” They struggle with the “why” of these situations (“Why won’t my parents trust me to help?”), as well as the “what to do”: Should they try cajoling their parents into accepting their help? Or attempt to wrest control of tasks, such as finances or driving, which their parents can no longer handle safely? Or wait nervously until bad things happen and then rescue them?
Underlying all this, as you rightly point out, is the parents’ legal status. So long as they understand the potential consequences of any medical or financial decision they would make, then a court of law would likely consider them competent to guide their own lives. That includes making choices that their worried adult children might consider “harmful.” In other words, people deemed legally competent have the right to take their own risks and, not infrequently, make their own mistakes.
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Delaying a medical evaluation is a prime example of this. Legally competent people have the right to put off all kinds of medical interventions — annual exams, lab work and even urgent visits. If an older adult with diabetes refuses to take their blood sugar readings, for instance, it may ultimately be harmful to them, but their adult children can’t compel them to do differently.
Your situation is more complicated, however, because it involves possible changes in your father’s thinking skills that have led your mother to make decisions for him. Has a judge found him to be incompetent and appointed her as his legal guardian? In that event, you could petition the court to appoint you as his guardian instead, though that could certainly cause a massive family uproar. Or has your father, in sound enough mind, simply chosen to defer all decisions to your mom? If that’s the case, then he has the right to do that — even if your mother’s decisions are poor ones.
Many people (perhaps your mom included) avoid seeking a medical evaluation for dementia because they don’t think a diagnosis would be worth the time and emotional distress. Should that be considered a harmful decision? Only if you believe that available medical treatments for dementia — mildly effective for slowing the progression of early Alzheimer’s disease but not for stopping or reversing it — are better than no treatments at all.
There is really only one viable path forward to become more involved in your dad’s care at this point: Learn the “why” your parents are excluding you from caregiving. Gently address it to engender increased trust and promote change. Here are ways to apply this approach to three common reasons why parents sideline their children:
Minimizing your concerns
Parents who are reluctant to allow their adult children to help them often question whether they need help at all, saying, “We’re fine,” or “You are making too much of this,” or “You always were a worrier.” They are not ready to see the decline, which seems glaringly obvious to the child, or are content to make light of it. It is psychologically easier for them to doubt their child’s judgment than accept what’s happening.
If you suspect your mom, too, isn’t ready to see what you see with your dad, then don’t argue with her about it; that would only make her defensive and more apt to exclude you. Instead, praise her for all she does to support your father, to help him live as well and independently as he can. Then look for opportunities to suggest changes that would help her better support him in this way.
For example, if your dad won’t consider moving out of their house but grumbles about the yard work or going down to the basement to do laundry, then wonder aloud with your mom about whether hiring a lawn service or moving the washing machine upstairs would make their lives easier. In other words, don’t oppose her goals or decision-making power; support them and her authority.
Use the same tactic to address your father’s overall health, including his cognition. To support her goal of helping him remain well, encourage her to schedule his Annual Medicare Wellness Visit with his primary care provider. Among other screenings, that visit usually includes a cognitive screening, which might detect the decline you’re concerned about.
Sparing you from caregiving
Most parents genuinely want to protect their kids from how caregiving might disrupt their lives. They say, “Focus on your own family’s needs” or “We don’t want to be a burden to you.”
If you think your mom feels similarly protective of you, then don’t respond by reflexively exclaiming, “You and Dad aren’t a burden!” Most parents don’t believe it and aren’t reassured. Instead, acknowledge that participating in caregiving would take substantial time and energy, but that it would be a privilege for you to have the chance to give back to your parents for all they’ve done for you in your life. Point out that supporting them would be a powerful object lesson for your own children (if you have them) about the meaning of family as the people, cooperative or quarrelsome, who are still there for one another when needed.
Preventing you from interfering with their lives
More from Barry Jacobs
I Nearly Lost My Marriage While Being My Dad’s Caregiver
I Want to Stay Positive During Caregiving. But I’m Afraid I’ll Be Disappointed
My Mom Needs Caregiving Help but Won’t Accept Any. It’s Stressing Me Out
‘Being a Caregiver Ruined My Sleep’
My Dad Won’t Listen to Me About Paying for Mom’s Care. How Can We Agree?
Parents nearly universally hate the idea of a role reversal in which their adult children become authority figures to them because it represents a loss of power and status. They ask pointedly, “You think you know better than me about how to run my life?” Aging couples defend their boundaries just as strongly, saying, “We can take care of each other without your help.”
If your mother, too, feels like you are encroaching on her and her marriage, then she will push back. This will be especially true if she consciously or subconsciously has regarded you historically as a rival for your father’s attention and affection. In that case, she will be even more determined to exclude you if she is afraid you are trying to use the caregiving situation to come between her and your dad.
To address this, don’t try to persuade your mom to defer to your judgment about your dad. Instead, emphasize that she is still in charge of him and then offer yourself as a partner, consultant or aide to provide ideas and hands-on help. Convey to her that you believe being the best daughter you can be means, in part, helping her be the best spouse she can be to the man you both love and want to help thrive.
The key takeaways were created with the assistance of generative AI. An AARP editor reviewed and refined the content for accuracy and clarity.
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