Should You Help Your Adult Kids Financially? Ask Yourself These Two Questions

If you answered yes, then it makes sense to ask the second, and perhaps more difficult, question: What kind of help do I want to give my child?

This can get emotionally sticky very fast. It can be tough to watch your child not be able to afford the kinds of things you routinely provided when they were young: vacations, new clothes, meals out. But you may also find yourself feeling that you are funding a more luxurious lifestyle than you could afford when you were their age — and resenting it. I have friends who feel both at the same time.

Start with values

One way to start answering those questions is to have an honest conversation with your child (or children) about money.

Haven’t had that talk? Again, you’re not alone. Fun fact: According to a 2024 Wells Fargo survey, Americans are almost as uncomfortable talking about money as they are talking about sex. But awkward as it may feel, it’s the best place to start. Getting expectations on the table, yours and theirs, helps set ground rules and avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings down the road.

A great way to start is with values. Think and talk about what is important to you as a parent. Is it your kids’ independence? An understanding that you will help them now, and they will help you later? If you value personal safety and are uncomfortable with some of their choices — say, living in a cheap but sketchy neighborhood or driving an old junker — you might offer to help with rent or car payments. If you value education, you could contribute to student loan payments or grad school tuition.

Another aspect to discuss is whether you see yourself providing one-off assistance, such as contributing to the down payment on a house or furnishing an apartment after a move, or ongoing, systematic help, such as regularly paying their cellphone or car insurance bill.

Don’t be afraid to talk about your own path to economic security. I remember one conversation with our children, when they were in their late teens, about how they would “never” be able to afford the kinds of family vacations we took when they were growing up. I looked at them, perplexed. It had only been in recent years that we were able to, say, stay in nice hotels.

“Maybe you don’t remember the place we stayed in when we visited your great-grandmother in L.A.,” I said. “We used to put the mattress from the pull-out sofa on the floor since it was so uncomfortable.” All they remembered of that place was the swimming pool.

Share your experience

It’s natural for children who grow up in middle-class or affluent households to base their expectations of young adult life on what they experienced as teenagers. They may have enjoyed regular travel, comfortable homes, reliable cars and plenty of personal space. They may not remember the sacrifices you made when you were starting out.

A frank conversation about that, and about your expectation that they adjust their lifestyles to their incomes as you did, might help them better understand your experiences as a young adult. It could also put them on a path to long-term financial security. Lifestyle creep is one of the most insidious ways to never get ahead, and it’s easy to overlook.

If the idea of having a family talk about money feels impossible, or every attempt to have one turns into an argument, consider seeking professional help. A therapist, family coach or financial adviser can provide a neutral framework for discussing financial issues and help everyone communicate more effectively.

The goal is to make thoughtful choices that support your long-term financial security as well as your children’s growth. What will help your child become a thriving, independent adult is a crucial consideration. So is what you can afford. Once you address both those things honestly, the path forward often becomes much clearer.