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My Mother Passed Away. A Cousin Thinks She’s Entitled to an Inheritance
How to deal with a rude relative while mourning the loss of a loved one
When a loved one dies, close friends and family mourn their loss. But in the midst of grieving, there’s an important task at hand: settling the person’s estate.
Nearly 1 out of 4 U.S. adults have a will, according to the latest Wills and Estate Planning Study from Caring.com, down from 32 percent in 2024. A will specifies an “executor” who will manage your estate after you die and disperse your assets and possessions to your chosen beneficiaries.
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Who’s entitled to an inheritance can be an emotionally fraught topic for families, especially if descendants — or others close to the deceased — have conflicting expectations or assumptions about the distribution.
Opinions can collide. Boundaries can get crossed. Relationships can fray — or fall apart altogether.
The key to preventing inheritance from driving a wedge between loved ones is good communication. Keeping your etiquette skills sharp during this difficult period will go a long way toward preserving the relationships you have with those involved.
After my mother passed away recently, my cousin contacted me on Facebook asking about the estate and how much money I’m inheriting. She also wanted to know if she was included in the will. She wasn’t — she hasn’t even spoken to my mother in years — and I don’t think it’s any of her business what my mom left me. I’m honestly appalled. How should I respond?
Wow. There’s a whole lotta wrong going on here. Not only is this a rude question, but to ask about an inheritance via Facebook when there are other methods to reach out — a call, a text message, even an email would be more personal and appropriate — is especially disrespectful.
Let’s start with the fact that you’re in the process of grieving and, understandably, in an emotionally fragile state. Considering this, you don’t have to reply to your cousin right away. In fact, it’s best if you take a moment to breathe rather than firing off a heated response.
Don’t get me wrong. It can be tempting to put your cousin in her place (“How dare you ask me that!”), but I suggest you resist the urge to do so. Instead, start by moving the conversation off social media. “Hi Kim, feel free to give me a call or email me to chat about this. I’m not comfortable talking about it on Facebook. I hope you understand.”
After you’ve connected in a medium that you’re comfortable with, respond directly to her question regarding her share of the inheritance: “An executor is handling the distribution of the estate. If you don’t hear from them, then nothing was left to you in the will.”
If you are the executor, then you can simply say, “Nothing was left to you in the will.” If your cousin presses on her other question about what you received, express how you feel: “I’m sorry, it’s not something I’m comfortable sharing.”
It’s important to recognize, though, that we don’t always know what someone’s motivating factor is for breaking the rules of etiquette. Lack of awareness is a common reason people slip up. However, the more polite and respectful we can be with our own behavior in the face of rudeness, the more we contribute to a sense of civility within our community. It’s not always easy to do, but when we can, it helps to keep stress down and keep relationships as positive as possible, even through the discord.
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