I Can’t Pay My Medical Bill. I Think My Son Would Help, But I’m Ashamed to Ask Him for Money

When seeking financial assistance from a loved one, how you frame your ask is key, our etiquette columnist says

Lizzie Post,

AARP

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Published June 06, 2025

an holder woman with her arm in a sling reaches through a divider to show a bill to a younger man

Jon Krause

If you’re facing unpaid medical bills, you’re hardly alone.

More than 1 in 5 U.S. adults ages 65 and older report having some form of debt due to medical or dental bills for their own or someone else’s care, according to the latest data from health care research organization KFF, formerly the Kaiser Family Foundation.

The consequences can be detrimental. Nearly 3 in 10 Medicare-age adults with health care debt say their household has been contacted by a collection agency, while 23 percent say health care debt has hurt their credit score. (In January, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau finalized a rule that would ban medical debt from most credit reports, but credit industry groups are challenging the mandate in federal court.)

Furthermore, 42 percent of older adults with health care debt say they’ve cut back their spending on food, clothing or basic household items.

The bottom line: Many older adults are saddled with medical debt, and a large number of them are struggling to pay it, forcing some to turn to loved ones for help.

Our etiquette columnist offers a parent advice on how to ask her son for financial assistance.

I received a large medical bill for an emergency surgery, but I don’t have enough money in savings to pay it. My son and daughter-in-law are very comfortable financially, and I believe they have the means to help me out, but I’m ashamed to admit to them that I need help. How do I ask them for money without them viewing me as a charity case?

Reader, I am glad that you were able to get the medical help you needed when you needed it, and I am sorry the result is the weight of a hefty bill.

The truth is, many of us have trouble paying for health care services, and the medical costs that we incur can add a layer of stress, confusion and frustration to our lives. I am sorry you are going through this.

That's where etiquette comes in. I think of etiquette as a magic wand that can help smooth the way when we’re approaching a conversation we’re nervous about. But the truth is, we cannot control what other people think, or how they react to our circumstances. The best we can do is be considerate, respectful and honest with our relationships and interactions with loved ones in an effort to do the best by both them and ourselves.

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I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your son and daughter-in-law, but most children don’t want their parent to feel the burden of financial stress. Their thoughts certainly don’t turn to “Wow, my mom is bad with money” or “I really pity my mother.” Typically, children think, “How can I help my mom in her time of need?” (or something along those lines).

Unfortunately, it’s easy to view ourselves in a negative light when we’re in a tight spot. But I think practicing good etiquette can help you ask your son for financial assistance.

I recommend you focus on how you frame your request. A good place to start is to assess what kind of ask this is. Are you asking for a loan and plan to pay the money back? Or are you asking for money without the possibility of repayment? Clearly articulating what you’re requesting is crucial.

If you’re going to pay the money back, break out a calculator and crunch the numbers to determine what you can reasonably afford to pay your son each month (or whatever cadence makes sense for your finances). Drilling down to these specific details can help set transparent expectations for everyone involved.

Secondly, I encourage you to wear your heart on your sleeve and put the truth out there regarding how you feel about the situation. Simply saying, “Son, I need $X to pay a large medical bill” doesn’t shed light on how asking for money is a difficult thing for you to do.

It’s OK to express that you’re uncomfortable. Consider: “Son, I’m embarrassed to have to ask you this, and I hope you understand that whatever the answer is, I appreciate you being someone I felt I could come to for help. I never wanted to be in this position, but the surgery I had turned out to be very expensive, and I cannot pay the bill on my own. Is there any way you’re able to help me with it? I owe the hospital $X.” (And remember to specify whether you’re asking for a loan or a gift.)

Be understanding if he says he needs time to think about it or if he says no right off the bat. While the latter would be disappointing, it’s important to remember that whatever someone’s finances look like from the outside — based on their occupation, lifestyle or just the way they talk about money — we may not know what’s going on in their lives.

Sharing that you’re disappointed, mentioning assumptions about whether he has the money, or questioning why he won’t give it to you would be impolite and could cause a rift in your relationship.

If your son offers to lend or give you the money, wrap yourself in the warm embrace of having a child who was able and willing to help; that’s a wonderful thing. And if he says no? Please don’t feel ashamed for asking — instead, explore other solutions, such as calling your insurer to see if you can arrange a payment plan, or perhaps negotiate a lower bill.

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Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.