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My Mother Passed Away. My Sister and I Both Want Her Engagement Ring
Our etiquette expert offers advice to siblings on how to navigate disagreements over inheritance
Jon Krause
Healing from the loss of a parent is never easy. And disagreements between siblings over inheritance can make this already difficult period even harder, especially if a parent dies without leaving a will.
Our etiquette columnist offers advice on how to navigate such a predicament.
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My mother passed away, and my sister and I are in the process of going through her things. Mom didn’t have a will, unfortunately, so we’re trying to divvy up her possessions fairly. The problem is we both want her engagement ring, which is creating tension at a time that’s already very emotional for us. Any suggestions?
Please accept my condolences for your loss. I am sorry that you and your sister are going through this difficult time.
Sibling relationships can be complex. Years of walking similar paths as unique individuals growing up in the same household can create all kinds of dynamics.
I speak from experience — I have a sister. Sometimes your sibling can feel like your mortal enemy, but other times they are the only other person on the planet who can understand or sympathize with what you’re experiencing.
Add to this relationship the loss of your mother, the lack of a will and the emotionally taxing task of sorting through her possessions, and — well, dear reader, I want to offer you a hug and a cup of tea. You are going through a hard time, but please, don’t let this experience damage your relationship with your sister.
My first suggestion is to be kind and patient with each other and yourselves during this challenging period. Negative thoughts, toward yourself or your sister, can creep in, and that’s OK — you’re both grieving.
Losing a parent is not easy, and grief can create an altered state of being for people. Acknowledging this can help you through it. Striking a balance between being kind to yourself and questioning your reasoning about things, like what to do with certain items that your mom cherished, can be helpful as you plan memorial services to honor her and spend time sorting out her possessions.
When it comes to your mother’s engagement ring, try to give yourselves time and space before making a decision. You both might be better off revisiting the topic a year from now, when emotions aren’t running as high.
And when you are ready, start the conversation by taking a collaborative approach: “Ellie, I was hoping we could brainstorm some options beyond just one of us taking Mom’s engagement ring, to reach a solution that we both feel good about.”
Sharing ownership of the ring is one potential solution. Perhaps you could keep the ring in a safe deposit box to which you both have access, and set up some rules for borrowing it? Or maybe you each get the ring for a specific period of time before trading it off, with clear expectations established in the event the ring gets damaged or lost? Those are just a couple of equitable solutions that come to mind; take the time to figure out, together, what will work best for both of you.
One thing I strongly recommend you avoid doing is trying to argue your way to sole ownership of the ring. It belonged to your mom, and you both have a reason for wanting it. Fighting over it will only lead to more tension and hurt feelings.
Whichever path you choose, I wish you both support and compassion as you navigate your grief. Hopefully you can lean on each other to make your way through this difficult time.
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