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Room at the Inn: How to Share the Holidays With Family Members of a Different Religion
Whether you're Christian or Jewish, compelling similarities ignite the holiday spirit
Two-generation multi-religious family celebrating both Christmas and Hanukkah together.
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In the blur of the annual holidays, somehow it’s already December again. Millions of Americans — and many others around the world — are in the throes of shopping, cooking and decorating for the next big event — Hanukkah or Christmas.
In preparation, some of us are scraping the remnants of last year’s wax off the Menorah. Some of us are searching for the Advent calendar or the box of Christmas ornaments stashed somewhere in the attic.
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Some of us, like my family, are doing both.
For those who celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, December can be an exhausting month, especially when Hanukkah comes early. In the solar-based Gregorian calendar, Hanukkah can begin on any number of days between November 28 and December 27. This year, the Jewish holiday starts tonight, December 7, or the 25th of Kislev in the Hebrew calendar, which is based on the lunar cycle.
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Whether or not Hanukkah and Christmas overlap or fall weeks apart, the holiday season is my favorite time of year. We host both a Hanukkah party and a Christmas dinner. Friends, family and anyone needing a place to celebrate, whatever their religion, is welcome.
My 20-year-old self would be stunned by these developments. She enjoyed lighting the candles on each of the eight nights of Hanukkah. She loved the tradition of frying latkes (potato pancakes) with her mom and sister. Although she could appreciate the beauty of the twinkling Christmas lights, she never hung an ornament on a tree.
My youthful me would have been shocked to learn that at age 30, after marrying a Catholic man, I would put up a Christmas tree in my living room, have an ornament with my name on it, and bake cookies for Santa Claus.
My husband had never dated a Jewish girl before me, let alone known a Jewish person. In the early years, we had a lot to learn from each other – and to teach our daughter. To help her escape confusion, we answered many questions, and we never made her feel that one religion was better than the other.
In the early days of our marriage, our dual-religion family was a minority. Today, millions of mixed-religion families combine the holidays into one, affectionately called Chrismukkah by many. This label does not diminish the relevance of each.
Nonetheless, the holidays commemorate entirely unrelated events.
“Hanukkah and Christmas are not similar,” Rabbi Barbara Speyer, a chaplain for the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, told me. “I would hope that people would be respectful of the uniqueness of each faith and celebrate each holiday for what they represent.”
Hanukkah, which translates to “dedication” in Hebrew, remembers the triumph of the Maccabees over Greek-Syrian invaders who outlawed the Jewish religion in the second century B.C.E. The Maccabean revolt was victorious, thanks in part to a miraculous olive oil that burned in the temple’s menorah for eight nights, even though it was supposed to last only one.
Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus, which occurred about 130 years later. Both holidays are celebrated for their historical and spiritual significance.
“Christmas and Hanukkah are remembrances of God’s victories and His love for people, and are both deserving of joyful family celebrations,” Rev. Vince Roldan, lead chaplain at the Los Angeles County Fire Department, told me.
“Both are celebrations of actual events celebrating victories of God’s people,” said Rabbi Yerachmiel Shapiro, spiritual leader of the Moses Montefiore Anshe Emunah Hebrew Congregation in Baltimore,. “It’s easy to water down the meanings with all the gift-giving involved. It’s a challenge to make it more than about the presents.”
Gift-giving became part of the Christmas tradition around the 4th century A.D., after the death of Bishop Nicholas of Bari, Italy, a.k.a. St. Nicholas or Santa Claus, the patron saint of children, sailors and voyagers. Images of a modern-day Santa Claus squishing himself through a half-billion chimneys in one night add to the festive lore associated with the holiday, but it is unrelated to Jesus’ life or the gospels.
For Jews, gift-giving didn’t occur until the 20th century, when living freely alongside their Christian neighbors in America, Jewish parents wanted their children to experience the joy of their own holiday the way Christian kids did.
Today, my husband’s family delivers presents to be opened on Christmas morning. Santa Claus leaves us something as well. My family’s Hanukkah tradition involves lighting candles, saying a prayer and giving one small gift to the grandchildren each night. On the eighth night, we give a more expensive gift.
Along with the gift-giving, we share other traditions that will carry into the future. Each year, the women from both sides of our family gather to fry latkes, laugh and toast another year. The kids play the dreidel game and sing Hanukkah and Christmas songs.
Yes, December involves long hours of cooking, days of shopping, secret gift wrapping and memorable family time. A too-talkative uncle may let his jaw loose. An elderly aunt may treat a teenager like a baby. A grandparent may confuse a grandchild’s name. Regardless, we all celebrate the same way: with love, laughter, and a prayer for peace.
Share your experience: Have you melded customs together to share a multi-religious holiday? Tell us how in the comments.
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