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Insider Secrets From a Top Happiness Expert
Sonja Lyubomirsky has spent decades studying the science behind joy and contentment and shares how to add more to your life
There are multiple ways to find happiness, says happiness expert Sonja Lyubomirsky. Aim to fill three “buckets”: connecting with others, contributing to society and pursuing personal growth.
Amber Day
Ask 10 people what happiness means, and you’ll hear 10 different answers. Why? Because everyone’s perception of happiness is subjective, shaped by individual genetics, life experiences and cultural backgrounds. But are there ways to enhance and improve your level of happiness and, with it, your quality of life?
That’s the question Sonja Lyubomirsky has been trying to answer for over three decades. Lyubomirsky, a distinguished professor in the department of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, studies the science behind human happiness. She's written three books on the topic, including her most recent, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most (February 2026), coauthored with Harry T. Reis.
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Lyubomirsky considers happiness universal but notes that it can be influenced by your circumstances and the activities you choose to pursue. Regardless, for many, connection seems to be the underlying constant for true happiness.
Here are some of Lyubomirsky’s conduits for living a more joyful life.
Stay curious
After 36 years of research, it finally hit me: The real key to happiness is feeling connected and, as a result, loved. And the fastest way to feel more loved is to help those around you feel truly seen. You can do this by listening without interrupting and asking questions that show real curiosity. When you give someone your full attention, you create that connection.
Being happy doesn’t diminish with age
Research suggests that happiness often deepens later in life as people learn to prioritize what matters most, like spending time with family or volunteering for a favorite cause. They also learn to manage challenges with greater perspective. Age often comes with higher well-being, steadier emotions and a richer, more nuanced emotional life, and investing in relationships, purpose and emotional balance are the factors consistently linked to greater life satisfaction.
How you view happiness changes over your lifetime
Happiness is divided into two categories: high-arousal and low-arousal, which are emotional rather than physical states (unlike sexual arousal), and the category we prefer can change as we age. High-arousal happiness refers to positive emotions like enthusiasm, excitement, joy — feelings that may appear after winning a competition or even skydiving — and is often the happiness category younger people experience.
Low-arousal happiness, which consists of contentment, relaxation and inner peace, is something we grow into as we age and is more long-term. We’re still happy, but we don’t need awards or big adventures to feel that way. (Though we can still find joy in them later in life!)
Use personal messages to stay connected to your loved ones.
Amber Day
Human connection is the true ‘happiness hack’
The key to happiness is really feeling connected and feeling loved, and humans are hardwired to seek connection and love. One way to foster that connection is to express gratitude to others. When you share gratitude with a friend or family member, it strengthens your emotional bond with them, which builds empathy and trust, encouraging connection by promoting these feelings of appreciation as well as mutual respect and warmth in a relationship.
Technology may not foster the same level of connection
If you want to feel more connected, skip the texts and social feeds. Instead, pick up the phone or start a video call. In a 2023 study of 754 people published in the scientific journal Emotion, our team compared texting, web, social media, video chat and in-person communication and found that video calls, phone calls and face-to-face conversations created the strongest sense of connection. Hearing someone’s voice appears to play a powerful role, making voice-based communication far more effective than typing, even if the latter is easier.
More money or more power won’t necessarily make you happier
A common misconception is that being wealthy, beautiful, famous, powerful or popular leads to happiness. While these are good things in theory, they don’t always make us happier or more content, because they require external validation (extrinsic behavior) rather than providing internal fulfillment (intrinsic behavior).
Staying social can boost happiness, especially for men.
Amber Day
Gender can play a role in your happiness
We know that staying socially connected can boost happiness. Women often do this better than men and maintain wider friendship networks that support them during tough times. Men tend to lean heavily on romantic partners, which makes it more difficult for them when that spousal or partner support disappears — and illustrates that meaningful social connection isn’t optional but foundational to mental and emotional health. Men should reach out to their friends, colleagues and acquaintances and foster friendships. Further, nurturing friendships and building upon community is important for our personal happiness, especially as we age.
Genes shape happiness but don’t decide it
We all know people who seem to always have a sunny disposition, and it’s true that genetics does play a role in our happiness. Research shows that well-being and life satisfaction, both closely connected to happiness, are strongly heritable. If your parents had a positive outlook on life, chances are you do, too. The rest is up to how you live it; a great deal of your happiness is influenced by deliberate choices that require effort and intention, while another part is due to environmental circumstances.
Fill these three ‘buckets’ to be happy
One of my favorite theories is the self-determination theory: an evidence-based framework for understanding human motivation, personality development and wellness. This theory, developed by Richard Ryan and Edward Deci and first published in American Psychologist in 2000, focuses on three “buckets” that, if you fill each one, will bring true happiness because they lead to internal fulfillment: connecting with others, contributing to society and pursuing personal growth.
Notice that none of these goals involve seeking out better looks, more power, more fame or more money. Instead, these ignite the intrinsic side of happiness that’s much more long-lasting.
Small changes can add up to more happiness
You don’t have to make massive life changes to boost your happiness. A few small and consistent habits can add up. For example, in a series of studies, I asked people to complete three acts of kindness one day a week, and the results showed that they were noticeably happier. Furthermore, in some studies, those who performed kind acts showed signs of improved immune health. Some ideas to get started include writing a gratitude note once a week, moving your body regularly or chatting more with people around you, like the barista at the coffee shop or the cashier at the grocery store. These simple changes add up and can boost both emotional and physical health.
Happiness and sadness can coexist
Make room for mixed emotions. You can feel heavy and hopeful in the same hour. It’s healthy to let yourself feel both. Instead of trying to eliminate sadness, notice it, name it and allow space for joy to surface alongside it, even within the same few minutes.
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