10 Steps to a Great Relationship With Your Daughter-in-Law

The MIL-DIL dynamic can be challenging from the get-go. Here’s how to make (and keep) the peace

Susan Moeller,

AARP

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Published December 20, 2024

an older woman walks up to her family's front door waving a white flag

Peter Gamlen

Marsha Higgins was babysitting her granddaughter and snapped a photo of the sleeping baby to reassure her parents. But, oops, the baby was on her belly, not her back, as Higgins’ daughter-in-law, Gina Higgins, had instructed. It created an awkward moment. “There have been times when they put me on probation,” Higgins jokes. But both she and Gina count themselves lucky that they usually get along. They both say creating a strong and respectful bond is important.

Like Marsha and Gina, most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law — MILs and DILs in online speak — do just fine, says Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontologist and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. But when things go wrong, it can create tension around issues ranging from family gatherings to grandchildren, says Pillemer, adding that it can occasionally spiral into a real estrangement.

Here are 10 ways to foster a better relationship with your daughter-in-law.

First, understand why the relationship can be challenging

“The daughter-in-law enters as somebody who is not family but is supposed to be family,” Pillemer says. “So, there are many expectations about it. And that can be a situation where it’s difficult to win.”

And why daughters-in-law more than sons-in-law? Women tend to be more involved in family relationships than men and are traditionally responsible for maintaining family connections, he says. And, these days, there are fewer rules about pecking order.

Even cultures with a tradition of never questioning your elders (mothers-in-law included) are changing, says Lia Huynh, a marriage and family therapist based in San Jose, California, who works with many Asian American clients. For many of her clients, the wives initially felt they couldn’t speak up, and they felt like their husbands weren’t saying anything either. “They were just telling their wives to suck it up or ‘That’s just how my mom is,’” Huynh says.

After a while, however, both sons and their wives feel more free to push back against the older generation, she adds. “So it’s never just between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law,” says Pillemer. “The partner is always mediating it, and that makes it really complicated.”

Accept that your daughter-in-law (not you) is your child’s priority

Your child is now concentrating on their own family and household — and that is the norm, says Samantha Rodman Whiten, a Maryland-based clinical psychologist and podcaster on The Dr. Psych Mom Show. “People are supposed to be more invested in their nuclear family than their extended family, and the mother-in-law is considered not part of the nuclear family,” she says. “She’s part of the extended family.”

If it comes down to a power struggle between you and the DIL, she will almost always win, Pillemer says. That battle is almost never worthwhile for a parent and is one of the paths to real estrangement, he says. And remember: Your relationship with your daughter-in-law is likely long-term. “You have to think about a relationship that, if something goes wrong, it may be for the rest of the in-law's life,” he says.

Offer more support and less advice

It’s the daughter-in-law’s turn to create a family, and a mother-in-law needs to offer the support she needs to make decisions, says Linda Lewis Griffith, a retired marriage and family therapist who writes an advice column for The Tribune of San Luis Obispo, California. Griffith says she sometimes takes this tack with her DIL: “If you’d like to talk about that, I’m happy to talk.”

Embrace empathy

New families take time to evolve, and there are bound to be rough moments, Griffith says. Choose kindness and be quick to offer or accept an apology, she says.

“I know with my own daughter-in-law there were times I put my arms around her and said, ‘Hey sweetheart, we are in this together.… We’re stuck with each other. We’re going to have to work this out.”

Also, consider how a tense MIL-DIL relationship affects your child, Whiten says. The idea that “my son’s life is worse because of this relationship” can prompt mothers-in-law to want to rectify the situation with their daughters-in-law, she says.

Respect the younger generation’s rules

Although she’s close with her mother-in-law, Gina Higgins, 40, who lives in South Orange, New Jersey, did have to explain modern childcare methods and sleeping rules. “That was a conversation that we had with both my parents and his parents when we had our daughter…. [Babies] don’t sleep on their bellies anymore. Please don’t put her on her belly. Things have changed.”

Set boundaries and stick to them

“Some couples need a little bit of space,” Huynh says. Discuss what works for your daughter-in-law and what doesn’t — e.g., dropping by unannounced. And let her know what works for you regarding, say, how many times a week you’ll babysit, Griffith says.

Whiten suggests taking a polite and supportive tone, saying something like: “I never want to intrude. I’d like to respect the boundaries you’ve set for your family. I only want to be a help. I’m never trying to stress you out.… And I only love you and I want to be there for you.”

Find common ground

Marsha Higgins, 75, who lives in Centerville, Massachusetts, discovered that both she and Gina enjoy music and exercising and, of course, the grandchildren.

“We talk to [Gina] like she’s a person,” Higgins says. Marsha or her husband might offer advice, but they don’t take it personally if it’s not taken. “We all have the same goals with the kids,” she says.

Weigh the consequences before you intervene

Here is Pillemer’s rule of intervention, especially on topics like politics: Do you have any chance of changing the other person’s mind? Of course, you need to speak up if you think there is potential for abuse, he says. But other than that? It’s probably not worth the argument, he says. Whiten also advises keeping negative opinions to yourself. “Basically as soon as he starts dating, if she is not literally doing drugs in your living room, you should have nothing to say except positive, kind things,” she says.

And if your child suggests that you’re overstepping, pay attention, Whiten says. Often, sons can successfully appeal to the mother-in-law by telling her, “Mom, you’re making my marriage bad. I’m literally sitting in couples counseling every week instead of going to work because you drop over unannounced. You cannot do that anymore,” Whiten says.

Let go of your own baggage

Your own relationship with your mother-in-law might not be the best model, Whiten says. Perhaps you spent your marriage feeling obligated to cater to your own mother and mother-in-law and you were hoping to be respected and deferred to in the same way. “But the climate has changed. It’s not the same zeitgeist,” she says.

Keep cool about major milestones

Whiten says it’s really unnecessary to get all upset over how your daughter-in-law handles the big life moments — the wedding, childbirth, birthdays.

On the wedding day, for example, she says, just be supportive because, while it might seem important at the time, once there are grandchildren, fights over guest lists and seating arrangements will be irrelevant.

And when it comes to having those grandkids, accept the reality of childbirth — your DIL may want only her own mother nearby, Whiten says. “The whole thing is, really, be flexible — to be perceived as a flexible, kind and accommodating person will always hold you in better stead,” she says.

Bonus tip: If all else fails, try therapy and forgiveness

If you tend to have other difficult relationships, it’s likely to happen in your relationship with your daughter-in-law, Whiten says. But grandchildren are a great incentive to get help from a therapist, and can help you manage when you and your daughter-in-law are at odds, she says.

“People change all the time and do deep, insight-oriented work that helps them transform,” she says.

And be quick to forgive, says Griffith. “You just have to forgive, over, and over, and over, because you want this to work and you want it to be pleasant,” she says. “When they screw up, you just need to smile.”

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Susan Moeller is a contributing writer who covers lifestyle, health, finance and human-interest topics. A former newspaper reporter and editor, she also writes features and essays for the Boston Globe Magazine and her local NPR station, among other outlets.