AARP Hearing Center
Peter Gamlen
In a marriage or long-term relationship, your partner’s family typically is part of the package. So what happens to those relationships if you find yourself breaking up? It’s a very real issue for Americans 50-plus, with more than a third (and climbing) going through “gray divorce.”
Regardless of whether the split is amicable or ugly, preserving connections with your ex-partner’s family can be complicated. But it can be done.“This is something a lot of people try, and a lot of people make work successfully,” says Eric FitzMedrud, a licensed psychologist in Los Altos, California, with a doctorate from Sofia University.
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Barbara Mahaffey, 51, a digital marketing manager from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is one of them. The only child of an only child, it was important for her to become an integral part of her partner’s family when she married. She got her wish. She would arrive early to help set up birthday parties for her niece and nephew and spend time with them on her own.
When she and her husband divorced after a decade together, she made it a priority to keep the members of his family that were extra dear to her close, even when it was uncomfortable.
Mahaffey’s husband avoids her when they are at the same events, she says, and it isn’t very comfortable to be around him. But, she’s there for the people who want her to be there, she adds.
“Family isn’t just blood,” she adds. “It’s the relationships that we build.”
“Relationships with these people wasn’t about the marriage that is ending,” says Joe Noble, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Edina, Minnesota. “It got you together, but it wasn’t about the marriage.”
So if you are splitting up but want to maintain those close bonds, here’s how to have a good relationship with your ex’s family.
Set expectations and be open about feelings
To set yourself up for success in navigating what can be tricky terrain, FitzMedrud recommends setting clear expectations. What’s going to remain the same? What’s going to be different?
Making these decisions in the spirit of collaboration is ideal.
“If it’s a reasonable relationship with your ex, try to be respectful of their feelings and what they’re going through and they are much more likely to then support you being in touch with their family,” says Nancy Wilson, a psychotherapist in Bellaire, Texas.
Once you have a green light from your ex, find out whether the family members you want to keep a connection with would prefer a conversation on the phone or in person. Wilson prefers face-to-face chats to pick up on nonverbal cues, which is more difficult to do on the phone and nearly impossible via text.
That said, “the method is less important than the relationship message,” says Noble, and “it’s best to name the proverbial elephant in the room: the big feelings of sadness, shock, disappointment, anger, uncertainty, confusion, grief.”
Respect the family’s wishes, need for space
Of course, your ex-partner’s family will have opinions as well.
Especially if the breakup is acrimonious, “start by just testing the waters a little bit” with a phone call, says Wilson.
Consider saying, “I hope you’re doing well. I know things have been awkward and challenging, and I want to respect all the emotions involved, but I value the relationship we’ve built over the years and would love to find a way to maintain a connection with you. If you’re comfortable with that, I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
If you’re too nervous for that, send a simple text asking if you can talk.
“Think of it more like problem-solving,” Wilson says.
Gauge the response to your efforts. If someone asks for space, that could mean a couple of months or maybe longer.
As hard as it may be, if you don’t get what you want from your ex-partner’s family members, you’ll need to respect their wishes.
“That might be something you have to grieve — that you didn’t just lose your ex-partner, but you lost the family too,” says Wilson.
Don’t come across as needy, demanding
Above all, while discomfort may be inevitable, avoid coming across as needy in your approach. Nix any thoughts of “I have to see you” or “You must be in my children’s lives or it’s going to be terrible,” notes Wilson.
“That sense of scarcity and desperation is probably not going to help you when you’re trying to connect with somebody else,” she says, “because they’re going to read that as anxiety, and that turns people off.”
Understand the dynamic might change if you’re with someone new
Even if you’ve managed to remain close with your ex-partner’s family, it doesn’t hurt to anticipate some bumps in the road when a new partner enters the picture.
It’s important to discuss how open others are to accommodating your new relationship status. Expect mixed feelings. It’s quite possible that a sister may accept your split from her brother but have a difficult time hanging out with you and your latest love.
“You can talk about [any possibility] as long as you’re clear about what relationship you would like … and you listen to what other people are saying is available for them,” says FitzMedrud.
According to Noble, knowing about your new partner may be OK but meeting your new partner may be too much. Additionally, you may be invited to your ex-partner’s house for a party but your new partner may not be welcome.
“Sometimes new partners turn out to be disruptive to family traditions, even if the intention was otherwise,” Noble adds. “Take it slow.”
Be prepared to put in some work
Even in the best situations, efforts to carry on old traditions can take extra energy on both sides.
Mike Waller, 51, of Brighton, New York, was with his ex-wife for 25 years before divorcing. He says they still share love and attend the same birthday and holiday events.
But we definitely know how to push each other’s buttons, says Waller, chief operating officer for an environmental consulting firm. For those in his position, he advises being aware of knee-jerk reactions to mannerisms you find annoying.
Other people don’t want to see exes bickering, so exes should go into situations with that in mind, he says.
During his morning prayers, continues Waller, who now is remarried, he asks himself a question: “Can I be not only the best person or the best husband, but the best ex-husband? It’s part of the deal.”
In Mahaffey’s words, carrying on a good relationship with your ex-partner’s family is “not all about you. There may be points where it’s uncomfortable, but if you want it to work badly enough, then you figure it out.”
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