Sending Condolences in Our Digital Age

The ways we offer sympathy are evolving. Our etiquette expert weighs in on when it’s OK to send a text, reach out with a phone call and when a handwritten note is best

Lizzie Post,

AARP

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Published February 27, 2026

an illustration of two hands gently holding another hand, which is attached to an arm sleeved in black, symbolizing mourning

Whether via email or a handwritten note, sincere and genuine condolences mean the most to those grieving.

Jon Krause

American bereavement practices have changed greatly over the last 100 years since Emily Post first started writing. We used to have more defined practices to identify someone in mourning, to communicate our condolences and even to socialize properly with the bereaved. Today, those rules are gone, and it can leave us feeling untethered and unsure when a friend or loved one has experienced a loss, as the question below shows.

What's the best way to express condolences in our modern age: Is a handwritten note still necessary or is it OK to send a text? An email? And how should I respond on social media to a Facebook post announcing someone’s passing? —Submitted by A.M.

First, let me express my condolences if you’re reading this column and have just lost a loved one, friend or coworker.

Much of how we express our condolences depends on how we hear the news. If a friend texts you that their parent or spouse has passed away, it’s OK to text back an initial reply. “I’m so sorry to hear this, Alison; I’ll be thinking of you and your family, and wishing you comfort right now.” And then follow up later with a more personal touch.

For someone who is quite close to you, sending a voice recording is a bit more intimate. It can mimic the way you would react in the moment if you found out this news in person, and during hard times it can be a real comfort to hear a friend or family member’s voice. It’s probably best to not let the message drag on, but something sincere and off the cuff will likely land around that one- to two-minute mark.

If you discover the news via social media, it’s OK to acknowledge the post. The farther removed you are from the person, the more likely you are to simply post a comment that says, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” The closer you are to the person, the more you can lean on more personal communications, such as a handwritten note, a phone call, a voice recording or a text after seeing the post. Think about how you most often communicate with this person, and see if you can utilize a method that is one step above your normal communication form. Be careful in your post about using emojis or simply “reacting” with a thumbs down or sad face with a tear. It takes two seconds to write a comment that reads “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Emojis are expressive, but words work better in this case.

Of course, if a friend or family member calls you to share the news and you take the call, respond naturally in the moment with words of sympathy. If you weren’t expecting the news and don’t have much time to speak, it’s fine to admit this after issuing your initial condolences. Ask if there’s a good time to connect again to check in with them.

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Many people send out a mass email to alert larger groups of friends and colleagues about a person’s death. This is OK, and you can respond to it in any manner you wish. It might prompt an initial reply to the sender (not “reply all”) with your condolences, but neither an email nor a text prevents you from following up your first response with a phone call or a handwritten note.

Whether via text, phone call, email or in person, you might want to offer to help when someone is grieving. Offering something specific that the person can say “yes” or “no” to is a thoughtful approach. “Let me know what I can do to help” is kind, but it puts the responsibility on the person who is grieving to both consider what would be helpful and to try to think about whether or not you’re the right person to ask this of. Instead, try something such as “Would you like help coordinating any of the services or gatherings you’re planning?” Or “Would it be helpful if I came by to help with house chores this weekend?”

Things you want to avoid saying: “He’s in a better place now.” “At least it’s over now.” “You’re the head of the family now.” “It was God’s will.”

Here’s a sample script you can adjust to fit your situation that can help convey your sympathy, whether via text, in a message or in a handwritten note. If you have a personal memory to share, that is often one of the loveliest ways to show that the deceased will be remembered.

[DATE]

Dear Alison,

I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away. You and your family have my sincerest condolences. I remember you sharing many lovely stories about your time with him, both growing up and as an adult. I know he will be missed by so many. I’m wishing you and your family love and support at this time, and I hope your wonderful memories of him will give you great comfort.

All my love,

Betsy

There’s an old tradition of writing “No acknowledgement necessary” at the bottom of a condolence note. While the tradition is not as well-known today, the idea is to let the grieving person know that you have no expectation of receiving thanks for your note. While it’s perfectly polite to still do this, we’ve heard from many people who are grieving that it’s actually very healing to spend time writing to those who expressed their sympathy and thanking them for their words of kindness and the memories they shared of the deceased.

However you choose to express your sympathy, by being sincere and genuine with it, you have the best chance of making a meaningful impact on those who need support at this time.

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Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.