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How to Handle a Friend Who Talks Too Much
Our etiquette expert weighs in on whether — and how — to tell a friend she’s dominating every conversation
Conversations, unlike speeches or lectures, require a back-and-forth.
Jon Krause
I have a friend who tends to dominate every get-together. If four of us go for coffee, she talks 50 percent of the time. Should I find a nice way to tell her? —Sue P.
Friends who dominate the conversation are unfortunately found in almost every friend group. If your friend is going through a particularly tough or exciting time, and gets consumed with airing their own thoughts, that’s one thing. But if a friend repeatedly makes this faux pas, it might be time to rectify the situation. Friendships are about give and take. Conversations require a back-and-forth, unlike speeches or lectures. When that isn’t happening, it can be enough to make you want to end a relationship.
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Before you take drastic measures, first, make sure that you’re really dealing with a repeat offender who isn’t going through a hard time. Next, consider the type of friend you’re dealing with. Is this a person who is receptive to constructive criticism and able to adjust? Or is this someone who is sensitive, maybe even a little insecure?
Modern Manners
Navigate today’s often complex social situations with Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette icon Emily Post. Lizzie will help you find the suitable words to say and proper things to do when dealing with family, friends and community.
If you’re dealing with the latter, consider an indirect approach. You might try talking to a mutual friend and letting them know you sometimes feel left out of the conversation. They may then be able to help by inviting you into the discussion or by asking questions that make it easier for you to join in. You can also offer to do the same in return.
While this is an option — and it’s great when friends pay attention to the group dynamic and help one another feel included — it’s usually best to address the issue directly. You also want to be careful that your concern doesn’t turn into negative gossip or bad-mouthing your chatty friend behind her back. A thin line to walk, for sure!
If you feel comfortable voicing your concerns directly, tell your friend privately and gently how her behavior is affecting you. You might say: “Cheryl, I’ve noticed that, by trying not to interrupt when you’re talking, I end up feeling left out, and not having had the chance to share. I’d love more of an opportunity to join in when we’re all together.”
It’s not an easy conversation, and she may reply defensively: “Well then, just say what you want to say!” You can’t control her reaction. But in close friendships, it’s important to be able to talk about it when things start to feel one-sided and at least she will have heard you.
Now, before having that talk, ask yourself: “Have I actually made an effort to break into the conversation?” While it’s polite not to interrupt or talk over someone, it is OK to jump in and build on what someone else has said. And if you want to change the subject, as the person speaking wraps up, you can be direct: “I’d love to tell you about all the garden projects I’ve been doing!” or “I did something really cool last weekend, and I’m dying to share.” It’s harder for your friend to dominate the conversation if you’ve clearly signaled you’d like a turn.
Ideally, conversations should feel balanced. In our Emily Post Business Etiquette seminars, we call it the “conversational pie.” Between two people, you each get half of the time to talk; in a group of four, you each get a quarter, which means you’re listening three-quarters of the time. While real life rarely works out like this, it’s a helpful image we can all use to remind us not to dominate the discussion.
One final tip: If you notice someone has been quiet, invite them to join in: “Amy, how about you? What have you been up to lately?” Those simple questions go a long way toward making someone feel included.
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