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Why Can’t I Climax With My Husband Anymore?

What worked for 40 years all of a sudden doesn’t work these days. What happened?


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As many of you know, the topic of orgasm is a perennial favorite at In the Mood — I’m raising my hand. Our questioner this week: a woman in her 60s who is frustrated because she can’t get aroused as easily with her husband as she used to. What to do?

Our experts’ advice: Rethink what sex looks like at this age and stage. Trust me, you’re going to love doing the homework.

My husband and I are in our 60s and have not had this issue in 40-plus years of marriage. Lately I’ve had trouble orgasming with him, but I can pleasure myself within five minutes. What gives? — Submitted via email by B.M.

The good news, according to ob-gyn Maureen Slattery, is that everything is in working order if you can have an orgasm when you masturbate.

Here’s what you need to know.

Why you’re having trouble climaxing. Slattery, who practices at Rochester Regional Health in New York, says it sounds like your go-to has been orgasm from vaginal penetration.

You’re actually something of an outlier: Slattery says only 15 to 20 percent of women reach orgasm that way. For most women, orgasm is a function of the clitoris. While penetration may have been your norm, Slattery notes that the way you orgasm can definitely change with age.

In the Mood columnist

In the Mood

For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

How she explains it: With the loss of estrogen associated with perimenopause and menopause, the vaginal tissue thins, and the blood supply to the genitals isn’t as robust. You need blood flow for arousal.

The result, according to sexuality educator Gretchen Frey, a retired ob-gyn, is a diminishing sensation in the genital tissue. “It’s extremely common and basically means that the same stimulation doesn’t produce the same effect anymore,” Frey says.

Think of the clitoris as your new best friend. Slattery, a certified sexuality counselor, suggests that you reframe what sex is by introducing clitoral stimulation into your sex play.

“People keep doing the same thing over time, and it doesn’t work,” she says. “Both you and your partner pay attention to the clitoris — that’s where you will get most of the stimulation that leads to orgasm.”

She says to consider trying a prescription arousal cream (a customized compound that includes the active ingredients sildenafil citrate — what’s in Viagra — and sometimes testosterone). For a non-prescription option, there are serums available online, the main ingredient of which is cannabidiol (CBD). Both are applied to the clitoris to help increase blood flow for arousal. Typically, she says, they feel warm. While there is little research to date on their effectiveness, Slattery says she has patients who have found them helpful.

Why masturbation works for you. When we pleasure ourselves, Frey says we adjust the pressure and location of our touch without even thinking about it. If you’re using a vibrator, that kicks up the arousal even more.

“In effect, we are giving ourselves immediate feedback. ‘This feels good. This feels better.’ Your husband doesn’t have that information,” Frey explains.

Certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon, cohost of The Sex Doctors podcast, recommends having your husband watch you masturbate to see what turns you on.

If you are too shy to do that, Frey says to explain what you do and how you do it so that your partner can change things up.

Other ways to take partnered sex play up a notch. Frey’s to-do list for you and your husband:

  • Try erotica. Read an erotic story or watch an erotic video together.
  • Use lube. “That slippery feeling makes the sensation more intense,” Frey says.
  • Build the anticipation. Plan ahead for sex — think about when and where. “Anticipation can make it hot,” says Frey. “It helps to optimize easy arousal, and that makes orgasm more attainable.” 

Be mindful of how you’re thinking about intimacy. Slattery says that “mental load” or worrying about things like “It’s not going to work this time” or “It’s going to take too long” can interfere with the buildup to orgasm.

Her advice? Use a mindfulness practice to push aside any negative or distracting thoughts by switching your focus back to the fun and pleasure of sexual activity.

There are apps that can help you learn. Slattery’s favorite is Mindfulness Coach, which is free.

Talk to each other. Become curious about each other again, suggests Evelin Molina Dacker, a family physician in Salem, Oregon, specializing in sexual health, menopause and primary care.

Among the topics to explore: “Who is this person becoming?” and “How have our needs shifted and changed?”

As Dacker puts it, “The more we can stay open and curious about ourselves and each other, the better. This could be a beautiful opening to growth and change. The more we address it, our sex life can get deeper and richer.” 

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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