My Teenage Grandchild Wants to Talk to Me About Sex. Is That OK?

Additionally, McBride recommends telling the parents how grateful you are that your granddaughter feels comfortable confiding in you, and that you are doing your best to support her in making thoughtful and safe choices.

Talking to the parents also creates an opportunity for you to align with them on family values. Lewis says this is key because it positions the grandmother as a partner in the family’s approach to sexual health conversations, rather than a replacement for the parents.

And, as McBride frames it: “I have found that most parents are completely on board with that. They want their young people to be protected and informed. As a parent juggling multiple tasks, you can’t be the end-all to your children.”

However, when it comes to talking to the parents, McBride says to follow your grandchild’s lead. If she says absolutely do not talk to her parents, then don’t.

Keep it real with your granddaughter. That said, make sure your granddaughter understands that if she says something concerning, you may need to involve her parents for additional support, says Lewis. Setting that expectation up front ensures the child’s well-being while preserving the parents’ trust. Lewis also recommends that you gently encourage your granddaughter to talk to her parents as well, or to explore why she doesn’t feel comfortable doing so.

The top reasons young people avoid talking about sex with their parents include embarrassment, fear and not wanting to disappoint them, says Bill Taverner, president of the Sex Ed Lecture Series, a continuing-education provider for sexuality educators and other professionals.

Lewis says that understanding “the why” can open the door to stronger family communication, and it may help the granddaughter develop comfort and confidence in going to her parents in the future while maintaining her trusted relationship with her grandmother.

Don’t expect to be an expert — just a guide. Taverner says people tend to get “all weird” when the topic is sex. Like any other topic, a grandparent should use their life knowledge, but also not worry too much about knowing everything.

As Taverner parses it: “You don’t have to be an expert, just be approachable. Some things you may know; other things you may have to look up. Most questions can be answered with reassurance,” Taverner notes. “Children don’t always need detailed information — they can google that. What they do need is guidance from adults.”

You can also use resources, says McBride. “Tell the child: ‘We can look this up.’” 

 Two resources McBride and Taverner suggest:

• Sexedlectures.org has several hundred in-depth archived lectures, some on teenage sexuality. They cost $35 each.
• Amaze.org, created by Advocates for Youth, features short videos, 3 minutes and under, on hundreds of sex-related topics. The content, also available on YouTube, is free.

“This is the way young people like to learn,” McBride says. She suggests texting it to your young person and asking afterward, “What did you think? Learn? What’s surprising to you?”

Keep an open line of communication. The sex-ed talk is not a one-off, and it’s not just about teen pregnancy or STI prevention at this point, says McBride.

“Sex ed has evolved into making sure young people have access to key life skills like healthy communication and [knowledge about] consent,” she says. “It’s not about sitting down one time and getting all the information one is going to need for a lifetime.”

Talking about sexuality can be integrated into all sorts of situations. If a child asks you about sexual health, for example, Taverner suggests responding with something like: “Can you tell me more about what you’re thinking?” or “What happened here that caused you to ask this?” and “How can I help?”

If you know you are going to have a conversation about sexuality, McBride suggests doing it in a car while you are driving. “There’s no eye contact. You’re not seeing each other’s response,” she says. “It’s a great, safe way to talk: on the way to school or practice.”