Can a Sexless Marriage Be Saved?

Agree on boundaries. When it comes to sex outside the marriage, Maya says, tough talks need to take place, starting with: Is your wife comfortable with you getting your wants and needs satisfied outside the marriage?

If she does want to stay in the relationship and is OK with you exploring sex outside of marriage, Maya says you and your wife may benefit from a discussion about open relationships and polyamory. 

And for the well-being of you both, Cooper says it’s vital to create a well-articulated, ethical non-monogamy agreement with the help of a sex therapist. Such agreements spell out conditions, boundaries and requests meant to enhance both partners’ satisfaction in the marriage.

Think through if no sex means the end of the partnership. There is the possibility that the marriage has run its course. Your wife isn’t interested in sex anymore, and that is a deal-breaker for you. In that case, Maya says, couples therapy can provide a safe space to unwind a marriage. “It’s not always about how to figure out how to make the relationship work, but how to come up with ways to separate.” 

I’ve never enjoyed sex — never masturbated or had an orgasm. At 66, I want to stop having sex altogether, and my husband is not happy. Am I being unreasonable?

Unreasonable? Yes — and no.

Cooper says your feelings should be honored — it’s how you feel. But sex therapist Nan Wise, a neuroscientist, says it’s unfair to unilaterally declare that sex is off the table since the agreement to have a sexual relationship is typically part of marriage.

It’s not unusual in a long-term relationship for partners to become more companionable than erotic, Wise adds. But, she suggests, “look at this as an opportunity to get curious about your relationship with sex” and try to find ways to bridge the gap between what you want and what he wants.

Cooper’s recommendations:

Take a self-inventory. Ask yourself if there is anything about pleasure that has any level of interest for you. If so, she says, consider exploring how to have an orgasm on your own.

Also, does your husband know that in all this time you haven’t enjoyed sex? Are you open to discussing it with him?

Turn the tables. How would you feel if he said, “I’m not ready to give up partnered sex for the rest of my life.” That could trigger a renegotiation of the consensual monogamy agreement that is part of most marriages and long-term partnerships.

Try to find your passion. Wise, who deals with concerns like yours every week in her practice, urges you to get back in touch with curiosity and playfulness. “Think of it as an adult playground,” she says. “It doesn’t have to be same old, same old."

You might even create a pleasure playbook with your partner, says Wise, that could include these activities:

• Engage in deep listening so that you “can climb into each other’s experiences.”
• Explore touch. What does it feel like — in your hands, your body — when you touch your clothed partner?
• Nonverbally, connect again through eye gazing and by synchronizing your breathing.
• With less or no clothes on, touch each other’s bodies, including the genitals. 
• Last, give each other pleasure through oral or penetrative sex.

“A key relationship skill for effective partnership involves making what your partner wants important to you too,” Wise says. “This is an issue that impacts you both. Finding a sex therapist who can work with you both is going to be helpful navigating this.”