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In The Mood: What’s a Normal Amount of Sex? And Help, My Libido Is Kaput!

You know those sex questions you are too embarrassed to bring up? We asked the experts for you

Published June 06, 2024

graphic of a woman at the top of a matchstick with a flame and a man on top of a matchstick with no flame

Kiersten Essenpreis

Do you remember Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask), the sex manual first published in 1969?

As a teenager, I recall taking multiple sneak peeks at my mother’s copy. Although some of the content is now wildly out of date, the title of the book, decades on, remains relevant and relatable.

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Here’s why: As many older adults know, sexual pleasure is something that can be enjoyed lifelong but often comes with strings attached — diminished libido, unreliable erections and vaginal dryness, to name a few.

These are problems that can be solved, but many people are too embarrassed to talk about sex with their health care professionals.

So we’ve done it for you. Each week, sexual health and relationship experts will weigh in on the top questions they hear from adults 50 and older. If you have a question you’d like answered, email us at sexafter50@aarp.org — we will not publish your name or contact information.

Here’s the down and dirty on sexual health, communication and solutions for older adults.

What’s the “normal” amount of sex to have past the age of 50, 60, 70, 80?

Sorry to disappoint but there is no “normal,” says Jeffrey Kwong, a Rutgers professor whose work has focused on sexual health for aging adults. “This isn’t a competition. My normal may be different from your normal. It’s really what feels right for you.”

More 50+ Sex Advice

A good first step: Define what sex means to you, says Susan Milstein, a certified sexologist through the American Board of Sexology.

“When I say sex and you say sex, we may be thinking of two very different things. Oral, anal, mutual masturbation. We don’t always define it well,” Milstein says.

And don’t discount solo sex. Fantasizing, masturbating, toys and erotica can all contribute to an active and satisfying sex life, she adds.

It’s also good to do a self-reflection and determine if you’re feeling sexually satisfied — whether you are having partnered or solo sex, Kwong says.

And think of sexual desire as dynamic, not static, he says. How we feel sexually can change day to day, even hour to hour.

Is there anything I can do to help with my libido? I’m just not interested in sex as much — not even masturbating.

We’ve all heard it at some point: Honey, I’ve got a headache. Or the more direct: I just don’t feel like it tonight … or tomorrow or the day after.

Many, many things can cause a drop in libido, says Maureen Slattery, M.D., a certified sexual health counselor and educator in Rochester, New York. Among them: erectile dysfunction, high blood pressure, certain medications, vaginal dryness, a drop in testosterone levels, and health issues like cancer, diabetes and heart disease.

Life events may also play a role — like becoming an empty nester or losing your sense of identity upon retirement, Milstein says.

Age-related body changes can also play a part in body image — for women especially — and can affect your sex drive.

The good news, says Milstein, is that you can get your libido back — but only if it’s addressed.

Among the possible fixes that Slattery recommends: testosterone supplementation for men and women, medications like Viagra or Cialis that enhance erections, and topical estrogen that can plump up the vagina’s thinning walls. Talking to a sex therapist can also help.

Slattery says many women are resistant to using vaginal estrogen, despite the fact that studies have shown it’s safe — even if you have a history of breast cancer or are at risk for blood clots. If nothing else, she advises using a nonhormonal vaginal moisturizer to help with dryness.

Another body part that can help turn you on that you might not have thought about: your brain. It’s the biggest sex organ, Slattery says. She recommends imagining or touching your genitals and nipples as a way to build stronger neural connections that can help boost sexual desire and arousal.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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