In the Mood: Help Me Find Pleasure Without Penetration. And How Do I Talk to My Partner About Sex?

Experts answer the questions you're too embarrassed to ask

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published June 13, 2024

graphic of a man and a woman with a cherry in their mouths

Susanna Gentili

I attended an unforgettable lecture when I was in college called “A Drink Before and a Cigarette After: The Three Best Things in the World.” It spoke to me — and still does. Decades on, sex remains a singular fascination, but with issues I could never have imagined back then, like intimacy without penetration and getting to the other side of a sex drought.

Many 50-plus adults are reluctant to discuss questions like these with their partner, let alone their physician. So we asked sexual health experts for you.

How can I improve intimacy and ensure pleasure without penetration?

Wondering how to get your intimacy groove on? It might take something that can be difficult for a lot of us: being vulnerable and open with your partner and trying new things. (Yes, that can be difficult, especially if you’re in a sexual and romantic rut.)

The body electric. For starters, think about exploring the body in new ways, advises Susan Milstein, a certified sexologist through the American Board of Sexology. “What else feels good? What does it feel like if I touch you here — or there?”

Sex accessories. Consider bringing sex accessories into the mix for added oomph, says Maureen Slattery, M.D., an ob-gyn with a focus on sexual health and a sexuality counselor certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

More 50+ Sex Advice

Sex toys like vibrators for the clitoris, anal plugs and vibrating sleeves that wrap around the penis can help you focus on sensation instead of penetration, says Slattery.

What you have around the house. Bring ice cubes, feathers and blindfolds into your sex play to experience a new level of excitement, Slattery says. And use lube because it heightens sensation while decreasing the time it takes to orgasm, if that’s your end goal.

Porn! Yes, we said it. You can also bring porn into your love life, says Milstein, adding that there’s a lot of erotica available today to choose from — and in different forms, such as fan fiction, movies, audiobooks and apps.

Look into my eyes. If you want something a little romantic, try soul gazing. As cliché as it sounds, soul gazing can work. Look into your partner’s eyes for one minute. As Milstein notes: “It’s the most intense minute you’ll ever have. It involves a huge amount of vulnerability, but it’s also a huge turn-on.”

Make an emotional connection. Keep in mind that emotional intimacy plays a part. Sex can be the most intimate thing you do with a partner, but don’t forget that building a life and sharing experiences can be bonding too.

“We discount how important that is,” according to Milstein. “Re-exploring who we are as a couple, or our own self, can be really powerful.”

How do I launch a conversation about a sexual drought with my partner? Or, if I’m in a new relationship, how do I kick off the sex talk?

You already discuss difficult topics with your partner: how many Amazon boxes is too many, whether you should kick your adult child out of your basement, whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. So why is it so hard to talk about your sex life?

Step one. Create a safe space where you and your partner can both talk and listen. Slattery recommends using “I” language: “This is how I’m feeling” or “I would like to try again.” Such language is less threatening, more open and leads to a better discussion. Think about warming things up with cuddling, spending time together and reimagining what sex might look like going forward. Milstein suggests sending a dirty text to your partner every once in a while, or links to sexual activities you find appealing and want to explore.

Apps can help. “Most of us don’t have the vocabulary to have these conversations,” Milstein adds. “Using an app takes the pressure off.” Among the many apps available to couples: Gottman Card Decks, Get Your Marriage On!, Paired and iPassion. All are a bit different, but through games and quizzes, they trigger conversations about sex.

The good news? “Almost everyone who talks about where they are struggling, or what they need or why they’re unhappy, when they do broach the subject, even minimally, things start to improve,” says Slattery.

If you’re not sure what to say to a new partner, write it down and practice it. Just saying it out loud in front of a mirror can help you develop a comfort level, Milstein observes. One conversation opener: “I find you attractive, and I’d like to take this to the next level. How do we do this?”

As Milstein frames it: “Just to tell your new partner, ‘Hey, you turn me on,’ is in itself fantastic.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.