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Is a Romantic Relationship With a Chatbot Cheating?
The latest technology is adding another layer to the debate over infidelity
Jon Krause
A romantic partner who, without judgment, makes you feel seen, understood and even sexy: Yes, please! But what if they aren’t actually real?
Many people have gone from using AI chatbots to create the perfect recipe to using them to create the perfect companion. But if you already have a significant other IRL, it can cause some issues.
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Using a chatbot to brainstorm ideas, vent after a stressful day or ask for relationship advice will not likely concern most partners, says licensed psychologist Rachel Needle.
But if someone is staying up late confiding in an AI bot instead of their partner, sexting with it, hiding the conversations or turning to it for emotional intimacy, that might border on betrayal for some partners.
This week’s query involves infidelity in the age of AI. Our experts weigh in.
Does having a relationship with an AI chatbot count as cheating? Asking for a 50-plus friend. — Submitted by A.L.
First, some context. The Pew Research Center reports that 42 percent of adults ages 50 to 64 and 23 percent of adults age 65 and older have used chatbots like ChatGPT, Gemini and Copilot.
Some are using these general-purpose platforms to create a romantic connection, says Rachel Wood, a counselor who has a Ph.D in cyberpsychology and is a national expert on AI companions. Two others, Replika and Character.AI, are designed specifically for companionship and intimacy. They all have free versions.
Most communication is conducted via messaging, and customizable avatars and a selection of voices are available as well.
How a romance with an AI chatbot starts. “Typically, it’s a very innocuous beginning,” Wood says. People begin using chatbots to work on a project or to gather information on everything from vacation spots to medical advice to relationship guidance.
Over time, the chatbot learns more about the user’s wants and needs, and bonding can occur. Wood, founder of the AI Mental Health Collective, an ethics-driven community of therapists and other experts exploring the impact of AI on human relationships, says people have told her that they can talk to a chatbot about things they can’t share with a human. “It becomes a confessional for sharing,” Wood says, and over time, people increasingly turn to the chatbot for connection.
“If you’re not getting that from real-world relationships, that need doesn’t go underground. Your longing is still there,” says Wood. “You start to find interaction in some other way.” That’s where the chatbot begins to fill the void.
About that connection. Relationship coach Annette Benedetti says it feels like you’re communicating with a person who is giving you so much great advice, all of it judgment-free.
“It’s designed to make you feel comfortable, to reaffirm your needs,” she says.
But because the relationship can seem so real, lines get blurred. “This is not a human. This outlet doesn’t have feelings,” Benedetti says.
Even so, she says there’s a “natural progression” to having feelings for the chatbot. “It’s very human of us to feel gratitude for the support it’s giving us,” she notes. “It’s a natural lead-in to intimacy.”
When it’s cheating. While the technology is new, Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, says the underlying relationship dynamics are not.
Whether the chatbot has consciousness or feelings doesn’t matter, she continues. What does matter is whether one partner feels deceived, replaced, emotionally neglected or shut out.
Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco says there’s no universal rule about what counts as cheating. It’s more about what works for you and your partner. However, there are three things to keep in mind:
- Shared agreements. Watching porn, sexting or maintaining close emotional friendships may or may not constitute cheating, depending on your agreement. AI is the newest part of that spectrum, Pasciucco says.
- For some partners, an AI companion may be an acceptable tool, like porn or reading erotica. For others, especially if AI takes on an intimate role, Pasciucco says it clearly crosses into infidelity.
- Impact on the relationship. An AI relationship becomes an issue when it starts to replace human connection rather than supplement it, Pasciucco says.
- If a partner is turning solely to AI for emotional support, validation or intimacy and the human relationship is suffering as a result, this may count as a breach in the form of an emotional affair. “Even if no other human is involved, the experience of betrayal is real if one partner feels that their bond is being displaced,” according to Pasciucco.
- Honesty and secrecy. In her work, Pasciucco says the biggest red flag she sees involving AI is secrecy. If someone is hiding their AI chats, deleting messages or lying about the intensity or nature of the relationship, she says they are engaging in behaviors typically associated with cheating.
Set the rules. It’s important that partners mention AI companions in their discussions about what constitutes cheating and what doesn’t, Benedetti says.
“Outline everything up front,” she advises. What do you use AI for? Is having an AI relationship cheating? Is it OK to talk to AI about your fantasies? Is it OK to talk to AI about struggles with your partner?
Certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon agrees that an open conversation is your best bet. “Ask your partner how they feel about chatbot relationships and what, if anything, would cross a line for them,” she says.
Then agree on boundaries together: how often you use the chatbot, when you use it, whether sexual or romantic conversations feel OK and whether there are times when chatbot use should take a back seat to the real relationship.
Bottom line. Sex and relationship coach Stella Harris balks at the term “AI relationship.” As she puts it: “I wouldn’t call it a relationship, really, because it’s one-sided and because the system is inherently manipulative.”
Chatbots tend to have few guardrails, she notes, and are programmed to encourage and maintain engagement.
“If there were guardrails, the chatbot would tell you: ‘Don’t forget, I’m not real. Go touch some grass. Talk to humans,’ ” Harris says. “We’re in a Ray Bradbury era here. It’s tricky.”
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