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When You Don’t Find Your Spouse Attractive Anymore
If you want to leave because of looks, the experts say to make sure you understand that you are aging, too
Jon Krause
What do you do when your partner no longer turns you on physically? Stay? Leave? Rethink what your relationship is about?
Lots of questions — no easy answers.
Our sex and relationship experts weigh in on a topic that, judging from your emails, concerns a lot of In the Mood readers.
We all age, but what do you do when you don’t find your spouse physically attractive anymore? And if it’s at the point where you aren’t interested in anything physical, is it time to find someone new? I don’t want to be cliché, and we did say “for better or worse,” but this is kind of miserable.
First off, you’re not a villain for feeling the way you do, says certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco. “To feel it and ache privately, that’s really human,” she notes.
But she says it’s a big jump to go from noticing there’s no physical attraction to asking yourself, “Should I leave?”
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Her questions for you: “Are physical attraction and sex the only things that keep you married? Aren’t you going to age, too?”
Our experts break it down.
About your relationship with aging. When someone looks at their longtime partner and feels turned off, certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis says they are often carrying feelings about their own aging and desirability.
“What you judge in others says a lot about how you see the world, especially how you see yourself,” she notes. The harder you are on others, the harder you are on yourself.
“If you feel less attractive or carry a lot of self-consciousness, you may be less generous in how you see your partner,” Francis continues. “Acknowledging that can open up more honest self-reflection, because it’s rarely just about the other person.”
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson, seeing a partner age can trigger anxiety about your own mortality and the feeling that “life is passing me by.”
Pasciucco points out that after decades together, bodies gain weight, and hair turns gray. “It’s coming for all of us,” she adds. “Dig deeper than just looks. You’re talking about a lifelong marriage.”
Rethinking attraction. Certified sex therapist Chris Fariello, director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, says that with practice, you can continue to discover parts of your spouse that excite and stimulate you.
“One thing people don’t do is practice finding their partner attractive: the things they say, how they laugh, how they handle things, the way they move, their energy,” he says. “We can always find people attractive in some way if we want to.”
Also, don’t think of attraction as solely visual, says Francis. Tune in to other senses as well.
“It sounds like the physical piece has probably been a big issue for a long time. But there are other ways to connect,” she says. “When you engage more of your senses, you give yourself more ways to connect with your partner, and with yourself.”
As examples, Francis suggests noticing how your spouse smells after a shower or the particular scent of their skin when you’re close. With taste, she says to kiss more slowly and intentionally.
Strengthen your bond. If you want to stay in the marriage, there are things you can do to keep it strong outside the bounds of physical attraction.
Harris-Jackson, founder of the Hope & Serenity Mental Health Counseling & Wellness Center in Maitland, Florida, says to ask your partner to help you reinvigorate your connection. You might say: “I’ve been reflecting on our relationship lately, and I love who we are together, but I also feel like we are missing the spark. I’d love for us to talk about the things we find desirable and attractive about one another, and ways to bring those things back in to help reignite the spark and fun.”
Sex and relationship coach Stella Harris recommends finding an activity you can do together that helps you connect and feels good while you do it, such as swimming or walking.
As Harris-Jackson parses it: There are so many things that can make a relationship sustainable, aside from physical attraction.
Consider couples therapy. Harris-Jackson says a therapist can help you both process your thoughts and feelings about what you want and need in this chapter of your life together. Questions to explore: Is the relationship meeting your needs, sexually and otherwise? What does aging mean to you?
If you do decide to leave. Harris says it sounds like you are asking for permission to end the marriage — and that’s OK.
“I don’t believe in ‘save the relationship at all costs,’ ” she notes. “Sometimes relationships just go their course. They don’t have to be forever. People grow, people change, they want different things.”
“I think she wants permission to leave, and physical attraction isn’t the only problem,” she adds. “It makes me wonder what else the relationship has going for it. It sounds like you don’t want to be there.”
Her advice: If you do decide to leave, make sure you spend some time figuring out what you are looking for in a relationship. She warns that if the reason you aren’t finding your spouse attractive is normal aging, it will happen in your next relationship, too.
“Any long-term relationship means the people in it age,” Harris says. “If signs of aging or health issues are a huge turn-off, that’s going to be a problem in every relationship that lasts.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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