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‘How Can I Get My Partner to Talk to Me?’
She sees his mind working. He doesn’t want to open up
Ways to Encourage Your Partner to Open Up About Their Feelings
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OK, I’m not slamming men here — to the contrary, I’m a big fan. But a lot of guys aren’t great at communication.
Our query this week is from a woman who is frustrated by her partner’s inability to share his feelings.
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As sexuality educator Evelin Dacker, a family physician in Salem, Oregon, frames it: “This is common for a lot of people, especially older men who have never been asked to be vulnerable.”
Our In the Mood relationship and sexuality experts weigh in.
My partner doesn’t open up about how he’s feeling about certain things, but I can see his mind going. How can I get him to communicate with me?
— Submitted by A.L.
We can’t “get” people to do anything, says sex and relationship coach Stella Harris, but there are ways to open up lines of communication that can make things easier.
First, a heads-up: Don’t expect an overnight fix.
“Many men were raised to keep their feelings inside,” Harris says. “It can be a long process for men to even find the words for what they’re feeling, let alone being comfortable sharing.”
Examine your why. Licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson says to take some time to consider why you want your partner to communicate his feelings to you.
Is it to feel closer? Is it because you see he is stressed but not communicating? “Whatever it is, communicating it can help you, as well,” says Harris-Jackson. An example of what to say: “James, it looks like you are somewhere else right now. I see you, but I do not feel you here, and I want to feel closer to you.”
Examine your own communication style. Certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi suggests that you begin by conducting a rigorous self-inventory guided by this question: Are you a safe person to share emotions with?
Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy in New York, says there are certain communication styles that don’t invite people to tell you more.
One example is making comments that might make someone unlikely to share their feelings, such as, “Oh, gosh, how could you feel that way?”
Other dynamics that could shut your partner down: responding to whatever he says with overt anger, making the conversation about you instead of about your relationship, and jumping to solutions right away instead of pausing to listen and hear him out.
Conversation openers to try. Launching a conversation about better communication as a couple can be tough. But it’s doable.
- Share your own vulnerability. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, recommends starting with: “Sometimes I have thoughts that I am unsure about sharing with you.” Then add: “I wonder if you ever feel that way about sharing certain thoughts or feelings with me?”
As Harris notes, “It can help to be the one who is vulnerable first. Sometimes modeling that vulnerability can make it safer for the other person to do so.”
- Make it clear you are open to talking, without forcing the issue. Harris suggests saying something like “It looks like you have a lot on your mind, and I want you to know you can talk to me. But it’s also OK if you’re not ready. Just let me know how I can support you.”
- Use your partner’s name. Harris-Jackson says that when a person is lost in thought, they are often tuning out the world. Calling out their name brings them back to the present.
As an example: “What’s one thing that has crossed your mind in the last few minutes?” Asking for just one thing, Harris-Jackson adds, can result in a simple response that may lead to additional conversation.
Be curious. Torrisi likes New York Times best-selling author Kelly Corrigan’s recommendation to ask your partner to “Tell me more” when you’re having a conversation about feelings. Torrisi also recommends Corrigan’s book of the same title; it’s a collection of essays on a dozen powerful things we can say to sustain and elevate our relationships.
“It’s a phrase that allows you to be curious when he does share something,” Torrisi says. “Be nosy — let yourself be nosy.”
Consider these nonverbal exercises. When your partner shuts down, our experts recommend experimenting with communication that doesn’t involve talking.
- Start with touch. Like using someone’s name, touch brings the person to the here and now, Harris-Jackson says: “It grounds and helps someone out of their head and more fully into their bodies or the present.” With touch, she says, you can layer the experience. For example, Harris-Jackson says, gently touch his arm or kiss his forehead, call his name and then start a conversation.
- Connect in silence. When you can tell through your partner’s energy that something’s going on that he can’t put into words, use this as a “space and time” to come together without any words at all.
“This could just be sitting together and eye gazing, or simply hugging,” Dacker says. “Connect with a 30-second hug where you are actually feeling each other.”
If it’s sex or intimacy he’s uncomfortable talking about. While your question doesn’t specify that it’s your physical relationship he doesn’t open up about, our experts wanted to address it. If he’s not good at communicating, the issue could quite possibly extend to the bedroom.
Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman says many people balk at talking about sex, particularly those who didn’t grow up with sex education.
One conversation opener: “I know neither of us has talked about sex very much, and it would be great if we could. What can we do to feel more comfortable having that conversation?”
Among Fleishman’s suggestions: If you are uncomfortable talking to each other in person, write a letter, leave a voicemail, send a text. When you do open the conversation, whatever that looks like, Fleishman adds as a sidenote to be tender and find humor if you can: “Humor can quell some of the anxiety.”
Parting thoughts. A lot of people avoid hard conversations because, in our minds, they will have terrible outcomes, according to Dacker.
“Yet those hard conversations are the ones that bring us the most growth,” she says. “Without growth, we’d be static.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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