The Kids Moved Back Home — It’s Killing Our Sex Life

A couple found romance again when their adult children left home. Then they came back

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published August 28, 2025

a graphic illustration shows an older adult couple sitting on a plush red couch, their adult son sitting between them, oblivious on his smart phone

Kiersten Essenpreis

It can be a little bit sad when the kids leave home for college or a job. But many couples find there’s an upside, too: It’s a great time to rediscover the passion and romance that may have faded away with years of carpooling, sporting events and PTA meetings.

Now you can canoodle in the living room uninterrupted! You have newfound energy for midweek romance!

But, as often happens, adult kids return home — to save money, to figure out their next steps. And that can leave you and your partner on separate ends of the couch.

While this, too, shall pass (we hope — don’t make that basement too comfy), our experts say there’s no reason to give up your reignited passion. It’s all about boundaries.

Our kids have moved back home after college to save money. We’re happy to have them, but I feel like we just got our sex life back as empty nesters. They are in and out of the house at all times of the day and night, and it’s so stressful to try and find an intimate moment. Any suggestions?

I like how certified sex therapist Emily Jamea bluntly frames it: “At the end of the day, good boundaries and good expectations make good roommates. That’s how you need to think about this living arrangement at this season in your kids’ lives.”

Here’s our sex and relationship experts’ best advice.

First off, recognize that your relationship with your kids is different than it once was — as is theirs with you. As licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson notes, “A lot of adult children returning home still have in mind that Mom and Dad are exactly who they are when they left, when in fact things have changed.”

Have a family talk about the new dynamic — and keep it real. Like so many things, solutions often start with conversations.

Jamea, author of Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion, suggests saying something like: “Listen, I know it might make you uncomfortable to think about us as still having sex, but we really hope that you find someone at some point in your life you can sustain a lasting intimacy with. We are at a time in life now where we are really enjoying each other in that way.”

Explain that while you are delighted to have them under your roof again, you also don’t want to lose your spark, because as a couple, you love and value each other, Jamea says.

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Discuss boundaries. Harris-Jackson says creating light, gentle boundaries can go a long way: “It’s really about talking about how to respect one another’s space as adults living together.”

How do you do that in practice? By establishing signals.

It can be something as simple as asking your kids to notify you when they’re on their way home so that you won’t be startled or on edge that they may walk in on you during an intimate moment, says Harris-Jackson, adding, “Parents, you do the same.”

Other strategies to consider:

A locked bedroom door with a written sign that says “Busy” or “Occupied.” “A closed, locked door means ‘Not now, come back later,’” says certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding president of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy.
Place a sound machine outside your bedroom door. “If the kids hear the sound machine on, that’s going to alert them that they need to stay away,” Jamea says.
Leave the hallway light on and ask your kids to turn it off when they get home, says Torrisi. That way, you know when they’re home and when they’re not; everyone is accounted for.
Buy your kids a gym membership, or give them money to go to dinner or a movie. “This is a way to create space for yourselves,” says Torrisi. Tell them, “We want alone time for two hours; go out and enjoy yourself.”

Reframe what spontaneity means to you. With your kids home, you may no longer have the freedom of frolicking in the living room, but Jamea says fun sex play in the bedroom is still yours to be had. It just may require a bit more planning.

“Just because you plan when you make love doesn’t mean you have to plan the what,” Jamea says. “In other words, there’s still a lot of room for playfulness and spontaneity and mystery in terms of the kinds of things you’re doing in the moment.”

Get creative about ways to be intimate together outside your traditional framework. Among Harris-Jackson’s suggestions: If you usually have sex at night, get together during the day, or jump into the closet and have a quickie. Indulge in a staycation. Book a night at a hotel and imagine that you are meeting for the first time, strangers connecting.

“This is an opportunity to add spice and fun into your relationship,” says Harris-Jackson, CEO of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, Florida. “Have fun with it.”

One other consideration: your kids and their sex life. As Torrisi notes, “A lot of parents don’t think about giving space to their kids so that they can be intimate. Your children may have left home at 17, but now they’re in their 20s and are sexual beings themselves. All of you need space so that everyone is able to find more freedom.”