AARP Hearing Center
I Wish My Husband Was More Social
She’s an extrovert who loves to go out. He’s an introvert who’s happiest staying in. It’s causing some issues
AARP
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
They say opposites attract, but how does that work long term when one of you is an introvert, the other an extrovert?
In the case of this In the Mood reader, who chose to remain anonymous, she’s outgoing. He’s not. She wants to hang with friends. He doesn’t. Our sexuality and relationship experts are here to help.
More Ways to Benefit
- Related Benefit 1
- Related Benefit 2
- Related Benefit 3
- Related Benefit 4
- Related Benefit 5
I want to go out with friends all the time. My husband doesn’t. But I feel awkward being out there — usually the only person without a partner. And people always ask where he is. I don’t want to make him do something he doesn’t want to do, but I kind of wish he would once in a while. Thoughts?
The issue, as certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco frames it: Society pushes the idea that a couple should constantly be together. Here’s how to push back.
First, understand what’s really going on with your husband. It’s pretty simple. For introverts, as your husband appears to be, it’s all about recharging, says sexuality educator and licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson. “Being around a lot of people drains their energy,” she explains.
But, as Pasciucco points out, many extroverts have a tough time understanding that introverts need to reenergize alone. So give him some space. What you need to remember as an extrovert, she says, is that “you and your partner are a team.”
Get clarity from your husband on whether there are any other factors in play. Certified sex therapist Chris Fariello, founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, says your husband could have social anxiety, or a persistent fear of social situations.
“Your husband’s preference not to go out often isn’t a referendum on you or your relationship,” Fariello says. “It’s important to have a clear understanding of why this is true for him — and he can best answer that for you.”
Romantic partners are often different — and that’s OK. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder of Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says the key is to understand that people can remain true to their own wants, needs and desires while honoring the fact that their partner may not agree with or even share the same beliefs and interests.
She says it’s also important to acknowledge your differences without blaming, criticizing or gaslighting your partner.
Stand up for yourself. While it is important to respect each other’s needs, certified sex therapist Nan Wise urges you to express how you feel.
One possible conversation opener: “I appreciate that you don’t have the desire or need to be as social as I am. And I would really appreciate you participating with me in some social activities that work for you. Can you work with me?”
How to go about that negotiation. If you want to honor both his desires and your own, the two of you need to compromise. How to do that? Harris-Jackson says to sit down together and create a monthly calendar of events, spelling out what the event is, along with the venue, dates, times and expectations of what participating at that event looks like.
“Is it a work event or game night with four good friends? Which ones do you really want to go to? Which takes up the most energy?” she says. “Out of 10 events, ask your husband to pick a couple he’s willing to go to.”
And for the extrovert wife, Harris-Jackson says to tell your husband you will forgo a particular outing so that you can spend that night at home together.
“This solves the problem big-time,” she adds.
How to handle “Where is he?” If this is a circle of friends you see all the time, certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis says to let them know you have a bigger social appetite than your partner.
“Become an advocate [for your husband] and say something like, ‘Hey, if I’m here without him, it’s because he didn’t want to come, and that’s really OK,’” Francis says, adding, “If it works for the two of you, hopefully your friends can respect that and not make a drama out of it.”
About feeling awkward. Pasciucco says that being asked where your husband is suggests that something’s missing — so yes, awkward.
“People are just projecting a question they’ve been taught to ask,” she says. “It feels awkward, but just because people ask the question doesn’t mean they are judging or that there’s something wrong with you.”
She recommends reminding yourself that you don’t have to have a partner every time you go out.
Fariello says, “Many people show up solo, and the more confident you are about doing it, the less that third-wheel feeling will stick.”
Spend quality time together. If you are at all worried that your identity as a couple is at risk, licensed mental health therapist Rebecca Hartman suggests that you and your husband plan some joint activities.
“Perhaps consider what quality time you can set aside for each other that you each want to participate in meaningfully,” she says. “It may not be going out with friends, but it could be about spending intentional and present-minded time together.”
The bottom line. Healthy relationships allow for togetherness and individuality. As Fariello puts it: “Your goal isn’t to become identical in your social habits, just to find a rhythm that honors both of you.”
AARP Membership
Join AARP for only $15 per year with automatic renewal. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of benefits, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP The Magazine.
You Might Also Like
In The Mood
Writer Ellen Uzelac asks experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questionsMy Wife and I Are Aging at Different Rates
He’s active and excited about sex. She’s just not anymore
How to Find a Safe Online Dating App
Getting back into the dating scene often means using sites. Here’s how to do it wisely