Ick! My Husband’s Best Friend Made a Pass at Me

The experts explain how to handle the situation and what to tell your spouse

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published January 15, 2026

an illustration shows an older adult couple sitting on a park bench. A hand from a man whose body is out of the frame reaches for the women’s thigh

Kiersten Essenpreis

Pals and I were hanging out recently, and this question came up: What do you do when your husband’s best friend hits on you? Asking for a friend — really.

Our sexuality and relationship experts weigh in on what one sex therapist called a “delicate” and “complicated” situation.

My husband’s best friend made a pass at me. How should I handle this?

First off, there are two relationships to consider, says certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis: the one between you and your husband, the other between your husband and his friend.

“It’s kind of an emotional triangle here,” Francis says. “I don’t think there’s a universal right answer for how to navigate this.”

But here is a good place to start, according to our experts.

Consider the situation. As sexuality and relationship coach and certified mediator Stella Harris frames it: “Are we talking about a drunken comment at a party or a sincere proposition? There’s a difference between ‘Oh, you look so hot in that dress tonight’ and ‘Hey, I’ve been in love with you for a decade.’”

Harris says it’s hard to guess what the friend’s motivations might be, but adds that, regardless, “It’s kind of a tacky move. You don’t hit on a friend’s partner.”

Ask yourself: “How did the situation make me feel?” Francis wonders: Did you feel unsafe or just uncomfortable? The answer to that question will help guide your response.

Either way, she says, a boundary was crossed.

And Francis urges you not to feel shame. “She is not causing the problem. She was on the receiving end of something,” she notes. “She didn’t do anything wrong.”

If you feel safe, call the friend out on his behavior. If you are friends with the man, certified sex therapist Nan Wise says to say something like: “This is not OK. What are you trying to do here, buddy? Where is this coming from? Don’t be barking up my tree.”

Francis recommends being honest, clear and brief. As she puts it, “This isn’t a therapy session, and he isn’t your best friend, so there may not be a big repair session to be had.”

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Also, she says to make clear how the incident affected you and what you need the person to agree to going forward. Among her suggested approaches:

“When you ____, it crossed a line for me. I need to know you understand that it was inappropriate and unwanted so that we can move forward with clear boundaries.”
“I need to be direct with you about what happened. That wasn’t OK. I need you to understand that I value your friendship with my husband, but I also need to feel safe and respected. I’m asking you to acknowledge this and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Sexuality educator Tameca N. Harris-Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, urges you not to worry about the friend’s feelings when you confront him about his behavior.

“Clarity is key. Otherwise it [could] continue to happen and then gets out of hand,” she says. “I recommend nipping it in the bud and being very transparent.”

If the friend has apologized and has regrets, Francis suggests just letting things be, adding, “These are two important relationships. We want to tread carefully and thoughtfully without being fearful or shameful.”

Talk to your husband. If you don’t feel safe around the person who hit on you, Harris-Jackson says to tell your husband as soon as possible.

“What can happen is that the best friend can get manipulative — gaslighting you by telling the husband before you do — saying that this is something he was doing in jest,” she says. “He might say something like ‘It was just playful,’ and maybe adding ‘I’m surprised she didn’t say anything to you.’”

And if this is someone you see at every backyard barbecue or game night, it’s important that you set boundaries. “Think about your comfort level and what’s important to you,” Harris-Jackson says. "Say to your husband, ‘I do not want him in my presence, not in my home or at events. Moving forward, if he’s going to be around, you must be here, too.’”

Harris says this could be “a relationship moment” when you find out how serious your husband feels about your comfort level.

Plus, she wonders: “If the guy’s a sleaze, is there a chance the husband doesn’t actually know that? Was he really hoping to have sex with his best friend’s wife? That’s not a great best friend.”

Even if you do feel comfortable being around the friend, Harris-Jackson advises you to tell your husband about what happened.

“This is something that, if discovered later, could be interpreted as a secret, and while some secrets are healthy and OK, like a birthday surprise, some have the potential to be harmful,” she says.

Bottom line: Don’t tell your husband what his friendship with his buddy should look like, Harris-Jackson says, but do stipulate what your proximity and exposure to the friend will be going forward.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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