My Bestie’s New Partner Seems Controlling. Should I Say Something?

Could it be there’s no reason to worry? Francis wants to know: Has your friend indicated she’s uncomfortable with all the attention, and does she feel “talked over” or not listened to?

If not, she says the person might just be a poor communicator who isn’t a “generous” conversationalist, and they’re both “excited to be in the early stages of a new relationship.”

While they may talk a lot and touch a lot and spend a lot of time together, Francis says none of those things on their own are worrisome or troubling.

When there might be a problem. If your friend begins to act less like herself, Francis says that could be cause for concern.

As examples: Does she need permission to spend time with you? Does she become anxious about getting her partner’s approval?

If that’s the case, this could be a controlling relationship that could develop into something more sinister — but at this point it’s too early to know, says Francis.

Certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, says hallmarks of an abusive relationship include when somebody manipulates another person’s energy, power and time. This could check the boxes for that.

“When there is that type of intensity and isolation early in a relationship, as a therapist, that’s such a red flag,” Torrisi adds.

She says it could also be love bombing — a manipulative tactic often characteristic of abusers where someone overwhelms a new partner with excessive affection.

Ask friends what they think. If you want to take action, sexuality and relationship coach Stella Harris suggests running the situation by your friend group who knows your friend and has met her new beau.

“If there’s a way you can do this subtly, casually and not too gossipy, ask another friend what they think,” says Harris. “Do they agree with you? It’s helpful to know if others share your opinion.”

Torrisi recommends taking it a step further by arranging a girls’ weekend with male partners excluded. “If the partner doesn’t allow it, that’s not OK,” she says. “It’s really clear the partner is isolating her from her friends.”

If you are able to set up a girls’ weekend, Harris says to take the opportunity to approach your friend with others in the friend group. And she suggests talking “behaviors, not the person.”

As an example, Harris says: “A couple of folks might say: ‘Hey, we’re really glad you’re happy, but we’re a little worried about some of the patterns we see when we hang out. We just want to check in with you.’”

At the least, Harris says, you’ve planted a seed that something may be off. If she shuts you down, don’t push. “You want to stay a friend so you’re there if she needs you in the future.”

How to have a one-on-one conversation with your friend. Another option is to talk to your friend separately — but do so carefully and thoughtfully.

• Share your observations without offering judgment. Francis says to say something like: “Oh, I’ve noticed it’s hard to get you on the phone these days.”
• Use “I” statements. Similarly, Harris suggests starting with your own feelings and seeing if she’s open to them. As an example: “Gosh, last time we hung out, I felt like he was dominating the conversation and it was hard to get in a word. Do you ever notice that when you two are talking?” The answer could be: “Oh, I’ve never noticed, he’s such an extrovert,” or “I do wonder if he takes up too much space at social gatherings.” Harris says how she answers should help you decide whether this is a one-off or a pattern.
• Ask your friend what excites her about this relationship. By listening carefully to her response, Cooper says you’ll learn about longings and needs she may not have shared with you before. Tell her you understand why she has such a high joy factor while also sharing that you miss your one-on-one time together. Cooper adds, “It’s also important that you don’t ruin her ride on the roller coaster of lust/love, because it could cause her to withdraw from you.”

A cautionary note. Torrisi says that dear friends are great judges of which partners might be good for us but that we don’t do a very good job of taking their feedback to heart.

“You’re probably right that he’s not right for your friend, but it’s unlikely she’s going to hear or heed your advice,” she notes. “This is so frustrating. Our friends are allowed to make terrible decisions, and we really wish they wouldn’t.”