Sometimes I Want a Partner — and Sometimes I Just Don’t

A woman asks whether a relationship would be a good thing in her life

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published January 29, 2026

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Kiersten Essenpreis

Have you ever wanted two very different things at the same time? I have. That’s the situation with our reader this week: a woman who is content being single… except when she’s not.

Our In the Mood sexuality and relationship experts connect the dots.

I’m not married, no partner, and most of the time I feel a relationship is not what I want. Frankly, I’m afraid of being taken advantage of and leaving myself open to vulnerability. Sometimes I do long for a partner — but I don’t want to be stuck with the wrong person. Thoughts? —D.R.

The way you feel may seem confusing, but it’s absolutely valid. As licensed psychologist Rachel Needle puts it: “You’re allowed to be independent and protective of your peace, and still wonder what it might feel like to share your life with someone. Human relationships are rarely all-or-nothing, and your feelings don’t need to be either.”

Listen to your fear. Certified sex therapist Nan Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters, says bad experiences in past relationships tend to leave lasting feelings of avoidance and fear.

She suggests that you identify your fear and reflect on the lessons it has taught you, which could help you make better choices about whom you let close to you and how to establish healthier boundaries if you do become intimate.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson says she often tells clients that generalizing about the future based on the past isn’t beneficial.

“The past is designed to teach us so that we can shift and make changes to enhance our future, not be held back by it,” Harris-Jackson notes.

Examine your motivation for wanting a partner. Sex and relationship coach Gretchen Shanks suggests asking yourself about your occasional longing: Is it a fear of missing out? A feeling that you should have a partner? Is it a societal expectation that being single is flawed somehow? Is it the connection and intimacy you can only have in a partnership?

“Dig deep,” she says. “If you are largely happy, I would invite you to embrace the fact that there’s nothing wrong with being single. You can have a full life. It’s a perfectly beautiful way to live if you find contentment.”

About feeling “stuck.” If you do pursue a relationship but don’t feel like you can be your own person with agency and choices, that’s a sign you should consider moving on, says certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy in New York.

Another thought: “Maybe you’re not a monogamy person,” Torrisi posits. “Maybe you feel stuck in one relationship with one person and one sex life.”

She says to think about dating lots of different people to see how non-monogamy works for you — or doesn’t. “At the end of the day, it’s a complete choice to be in a relationship of any type and for any length,” Torrisi adds.

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Name what you want. Relationships come in many forms, and Needle says to think about what you want yours to look like.

“Maybe what you’re longing for isn’t a traditional partnership but companionship, emotional intimacy or someone to share life’s joys and burdens with,” says Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing education provider in Florida. “Naming what you really want can help guide your path forward.”

Plus, Needle says, many older adults today are redefining what love and partnership mean. It might look like companionship more than passion, or laughter more than lust. “That kind of love can be just as meaningful, and far more sustainable.”

Sexuality and relationship coach Stella Harris says to remember there are ways for you to satisfy some of that longing without a partner.

“It’s kind of like not going grocery shopping when you’re hungry. Take the edge off that need,” she recommends. “Have a ‘snack’: Get a massage, use sex toys, join a dance group. There are ways to get your needs met without date-shopping.”

Let go of all-or-nothing thinking. You don’t have to be fully closed off or all in, says Needle. Rather, try approaching relationships with curiosity, not pressure.

Ask yourself: What might it feel like to meet someone new with no expectations, just openness? “You can have boundaries and be hopeful,” Needle says. “You can protect your heart and explore what’s out there.”

See a therapist. Even though you are single, Torrisi suggests that you consult a couples therapist who can help you build skills like how to engage in healthy conflict and how to end a relationship. “A therapist can be a great guide,” she says.

Harris-Jackson says that therapists often serve as dating coaches. “People don’t think about it, but therapists can help with dating. Clients share vulnerabilities with us they can’t share with friends. We can help them with critical thinking.”

Bottom line. There’s no rule that says you must pair up or settle down at a certain age or stage. Needle says it’s likely that you’ve worked hard for your independence, your clarity and your peace — and you don’t have to compromise any of it.

As she parses it, “Wanting a partner doesn’t mean any partner will do. It just means being open to someone who adds to your life, not complicates or depletes it.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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