How Do I Date a Widow?

From topics to avoid to how to approach a relationship, here is our best expert advice

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published January 22, 2026

an illustration shows and older adult man sitting at a bar, talking to a woman dressed for a funeral. Their reflection is shown in the bar’s mirror, but the woman’s image shows her in everyday attire

Kiersten Essenpries

As close readers of In the Mood know, I have been widowed twice: first in my early 30s, and again in my 50s. This week’s question resonated.

In his email, a man identified as “M.A.” is looking for advice on dating widows. As our experts point out, there is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to widowhood and dating. The first time I was widowed, I started dating a few months after my husband died. The second time? Years had gone by.

How do you navigate this tricky terrain? Here’s In the Mood’s best advice.

I’m a divorced man of 73. I have been encountering women in social settings who are widows. Can you help me understand what it’s like being a widow? Do they usually want to date? How long do you wait to ask, and what should you not talk about?

First, a compliment. Certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon, cohost of The Sex Doctors podcast, says, “Your curiosity and respect for other people’s experience is touching to read. The instinct to approach widows with respect rather than assumptions is exactly right.”

Every widow is different. There is no such thing as a universal experience of widowhood because each person is unique, says certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman.

Fleishman, a cohost of the podcast Our Better Half, says some of the women you meet may be into dating while others may be interested in a sexual relationship without any commitment. Some may want to remarry, she adds, and some may not want to date at all — ever.

And Brandon says that many people feel two truths at once: ongoing love for the person they lost, and openness to a new chapter.

Look for context. There are many ways to lose someone. As sexuality and relationship coach Stella Harris puts it, “If she was married to someone who had been sick for years, she might be mentally preparing for being single again. If it was a sudden death, the widow could be devastated for years — or forever.”

Harris says to talk to the people you’re interested in to help you connect the dots. What to be on the lookout for: Who is looking for connection? Who’s flirting? What activities are they talking about doing? Are they going out with friends or are they still staying home and receiving condolences?

Start with friendship. Brandon says your best bet is to approach each woman with interest and curiosity, and see how the interaction develops from there.

“Most women will need to feel safe and trusting of you before agreeing to date, so establishing a friendship first makes sense,” she says.

Brandon says to offer a low-pressure and clear invitation to meet again by saying something like, “I’ve enjoyed talking with you. Would you like to get a coffee sometime?” As she parses it: daytime, public place, simple.

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If you meet a widow you are interested in, sexuality educator Joan Price says to find out what she enjoys doing and suggest something you might do together: a hike if she’s into that, a movie she’s been eager to see, a music or dance revue. “Use the time to get to know her without rushing into romance.”

Also, check out Price’s book, Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved. It includes a chapter called “For Non-Grievers Who Want to Date Us.”

Topics to avoid. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, recommends steering clear of asking any details about what caused the partner’s death, the funeral and, at least initially, asking her to talk about her late spouse.

If she mentions her late partner, Brandon says you don’t need to pivot away. “A gentle response, such as ‘He sounds like he mattered a lot,’ is often the most respectful move.”

Cooper also suggests that you avoid sharing information about your ex, and prepare a generalized response to tell anyone you start dating about why your marriage ended.

“Many women find [that] men take up too much airtime on a date talking about their past relationships and work lives, so it’s quite important for you to remain curious about her,” Cooper says.

Topics to explore. At the beginning of dating, it’s better to keep conversation a bit light, Cooper says. “Ask questions about positive experiences, like travels and relationships in her life, to keep the conversation upbeat and mutual.”

Brandon says to stick to “warm, present-day questions” that allow your curiosity to show. As examples: “What do you enjoy doing these days?” and “What’s been bringing you comfort or laughter lately?” Questions like these, she explains, build connection without turning “too personal, too fast.”

Getting intimate. Once you’ve been on a few dates, Cooper says it’s OK to ask if she is interested in becoming physically intimate.

Cooper recommends asking while you are out on a date and not already in her home, or yours. “It leaves a much better opening for her to say ‘no’ if she’s not ready yet,” she says.

Parting thoughts. Brandon says to remember that a widow’s readiness to date isn’t a referendum on you. “It’s about where she is in her own healing,” she notes. “Move at the pace of mutual comfort, and let curiosity lead.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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