AARP Hearing Center
Monica Garwood
Welcome to Ethels Tell All, where the writers behind The Ethel newsletter share their personal stories related to the joys and challenges of aging. Come back Wednesday each week for the latest piece, exclusively on AARP Members Edition.
“Good night, I love you.”
My daughter responds with an “I love you” of her own as we retreat to our own bedrooms. We exchange the words many times each day, sometimes on text or Snapchat, sometimes face-to-face; the words have become part of our routine. I made a very conscious decision when my kids were infants to say “I love you” to them, and to never stop saying it.
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Somewhere during their early adolescent years, it began to feel a little awkward. They started to shy away from parental affection, and I was tempted to pull away, too. I noted the discomfort in the delivery of the words that were once so familiar, but I remembered my vow and forced myself to keep saying the words, even when my kids seemed not to want to hear them. We’ve even talked about why it’s important to speak the words. No regrets, right? You never know when someone’s last day alive is. Never miss a chance to make someone feel loved. No harm was ever done by saying “I love you.”
And so we are, and always have been, a family heavy on “I love you”s. But that wasn’t the case when I was a child. The first time I remember hearing my mom say “I love you” was when I was 21 and just out of college. We sat in a church pew for the funeral of my college friend’s sister. At 16 years old, she had been killed by a drunk driver. Like any unexpected death, hers was a stark reminder of just how precious life is, which must have prompted my mom to remind me of her love and appreciation for me. She leaned over and whispered the words into my ear.
“I love you.”
I knew she was grateful it wasn’t me in the casket on that day. But the unexpected and unfamiliar words made me cringe. After decades of not hearing “I love you,” it felt too uncomfortable to bear. I knew my mom loved me, but I didn’t need to hear it spoken to confirm that or to feel loved. I also felt an unwelcome pressure to say it back to her, which I did — I mean, how could I not?
“I love you, too.” The words didn’t roll off my tongue with ease like they do when I speak them to my children. And in that moment, I secretly hoped I would never hear the words from her again.
There have been a few “I love you’s” sprinkled in throughout the decades that have passed since that funeral. Handwritten on a birthday card, spoken in times of celebration and tragedy, always initiated by my mom, and still just a few. Today, my mom is a youthful, healthy and vibrant 76-year-old, and oh, how I love her. But I don’t tell her. Nor do I want to. People tell me that I will greatly regret it when she is gone. You’d better start saying it while your mom is still alive. You can’t get this time back. What’s the big deal? Just say it!
I can’t pinpoint the last time my mom said “I love you” to me, but just yesterday she surprised me by doing my laundry. I was overwhelmed and stressed, and I don’t have a washing machine. She tells me she loves me every time she reminds me that she will be my No. 1 supporter for as long as I need. She tells me she loves me when she texts that I’m a great mother and did a beautiful job raising my kids. And when she reminds me how proud she is of my 11 years of sobriety. And picks up every single time I call, then listens intently and patiently to everything I say (even if I’ve already said it 20 times). In every interaction, she makes me feel loved, and isn’t that the whole point of those three little words?
Our love language looks and feels different than the way others would have it be for me. And I think that’s OK. “I love you” is so much more than just words to be spoken. “I love you” can be delivered in a hug or a home-cooked meal paired with great conversation. It can be delivered with an unexpected bouquet of flowers or a simple text that reads “thanks for all that you do.” I like to think my mother feels loved by me, too. We have some of the deepest conversations about life, aging, parenting and faith. She knows I value and trust her opinion. I will drop off an unexpected dinner or dessert for her with a note of appreciation, and I often tell her she is my maternal inspiration and the one who taught me how to parent selflessly all of the time, even when your kids don’t appreciate the many things you do for them.
I don’t anticipate changing my love language with my mom anytime soon. I plan to continue to deliver my love through actions and not words, because that is what feels organic to us. Will that change if she is on her deathbed? I don’t think so. Our language is written into our family DNA, and it works for us. Then again, no harm was ever done by saying “I love you,” right?
AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.
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