I Admit it. I Have a Favorite Grandchild

It’s turned into my big family secret

Anonymous,

AARP

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Published February 19, 2025

an older adult stands in the middle of four children holding balloons, all facing away

Laura Liedo

Welcome to Ethels Tell All, where the writers behind The Ethel newsletter share their personal stories related to the joys and challenges of aging. Come back each Wednesday for the latest piece, exclusively on AARP Members Edition.

Grandchild favoritism is a taboo subject among grandparents that’s difficult to acknowledge, even to ourselves. Research indicates how damaging it can be to family relationships, and I can relate, having been on the short end of the stick when my parents showed blatant favoritism toward my brother’s children.

I vowed never to be that grandparent, yet here I am, a grandmother of four — and I have a favorite. I’ve discussed this sensitive topic with other grandparents in my friend circle, and many were hesitant to admit that they, too, had a favorite grandchild.

Those who were open about it helped me realize that several factors contribute to family favoritism. Proximity plays a role, as does age, gender, family dynamics and personality compatibility.

For some, a closer relationship with the adult child resulted in a stronger bond with the grandchild. Others admitted that it was challenging to connect with their grandchildren when they disapproved of how their parents raised them.

Overall, most agreed that their preferences leaned toward the grandchild whose interests and personality traits mirrored their own.

When my oldest daughter got pregnant during her senior year in college with an unsavory fellow who had just gotten out of jail, the news felt like a gut punch. What bothered me most was the thought of her being forever tied to this man through the child they would share.

I also felt resentment about the situation my daughter had gotten into, which influenced the lack of emotional connection I felt with the baby after she was born. The family lived out of state, so we seldom had a chance to see them, but when we did, my granddaughter Layla was always fussy and never wanted to be held. She screamed whenever my daughter left the room, which convinced me that babysitting was not an option.

Hearing my friends gush over their close relationships with their grandbabies didn’t help; I thought I must have missed out on the good-grandma gene.

Fortunately, things changed when Layla turned 3 years old and my daughter left her boyfriend to move back home with us. This allowed me more time to get to know Layla and appreciate the special little girl she was — and I became smitten with her.

However, when Layla reached her early teens, she lost interest in spending time with her grandparents and preferred hanging out with her friends or playing Minecraft, which I understood was expected.

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As the days of sleepovers, finger painting at my kitchen table and baking cookies together slowly disappeared, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I didn’t know if there would be more grandchildren in my future, but I hoped for the opportunity to grandparent more babies.

When my daughter and her new husband announced their pregnancy, I was thrilled to welcome another grandchild into the fold. This experience was different because I could be actively involved with the pregnancy — attending sonogram appointments, shopping for baby clothes with my daughter and planning her baby shower.

The day Lily was born, I felt an instant connection to her when she snuggled comfortably into my arms. She reminded me so much of my daughter in both appearance and temperament, which explained why our bond formed so quickly.

Lily became my shadow throughout her toddler years. We spent many hours together playing with her toys, laughing at silly shows and cuddling on the couch with a good book.

There was something about how she looked at me — as if peering deep into my soul — that really touched me. We instinctively understood each other in a way I hadn’t experienced with her older sister. She was incredibly intuitive and compassionate, always providing hugs and kisses when I needed them most.

Of my two granddaughters, she was secretly my favorite, but I was careful to include her big sister in all our activities, giving her equal praise and attention to avoid the emotional pitfalls of favoritism.

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Since then, two more grandbabies have joined our family — a boy from my younger son and a third child (another boy) from my daughter. My relationship with the grandsons is entirely different from what I share with the girls. The boys are rambunctious, impatient and sometimes challenging to discipline. However, they are still very young, and I’m sure they will be easier to handle once they’re older. For now, I can only spend time with them in small doses (they wear me out!), but this doesn’t mean I love them any less.

Despite Lily being my favorite, I strive to make each grandchild feel special and loved, regardless of their age, gender or behavior. I’m also careful to give equal attention to each of them so no one feels left out. It isn’t easy to admit that I have a favorite grandchild, and I still feel a bit guilty about it, but that is — and forever will be — my little family secret.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.

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