How My Ex-Husband Saved Our Family Vacation

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“What do you think about me meeting you guys at Disney World for the day?”

My ex-husband posed this seemingly innocuous question over text — a week before our three kids and I were scheduled to fly to Florida for our summer vacation. “I always promised Emmet I would take him to Disney,” he texted.

We have been divorced for 14 years, and when the kids were younger, my ex and I did a lot of things together as a family, albeit a broken one. Our kids often expressed gratitude for these family moments. “Most of our friends whose parents are divorced say their parents can’t be in the same room together,” they’d tell us. “We are so lucky you guys are friends."

What they didn’t know was that our perceived friendship was no walk in the park. It wasn’t easy for either of us, and if you had asked us, we may not have said that we were friends at all. The illusion of friendship was a gift we chose to give our kids.

As my ex and I learned early on, traveling together after a divorce requires particular patience, self-awareness and self-control. “Vacations are stressful by nature,” says Ayesha Ludhani, a licensed psychologist. “Flights get delayed, luggage gets lost. Add in unresolved emotions from a divorce or separation, and things can quickly become tense.”

And yes, my ex-husband’s text was already making me tense. 

Although we had traveled together successfully in the past, I didn’t find it appropriate to do so now. In recent years we had each adopted a more solo-parenting routine. At 21, 18 and 15, the kids were older, and there was less need for us all to be in the same room, let alone on the same vacation.

My ex-husband’s request to join us felt like we were taking a giant leap backward. I simmered with resentment just reading his text. I’d worked tirelessly to plan this vacation, and I preferred to be alone with the kids.

So I told him his request was inappropriate and that I was not willing to share my vacation with him. He wasn’t happy, but I felt good about honoring my own needs.

Fast-forward to the day of the trip. Our plane was scheduled to leave in a few hours, and my daughter couldn’t find her driver’s license. She looked everywhere but couldn’t find it. Chaos ensued: Would she be able to board without photo identification? Would a birth certificate or learner’s permit suffice? Could I leave her home alone and head off on vacation with the other two kids? And the kicker: Even if she did make it on the plane, would she make it on the international cruise we had planned right after Disney?