Grandma Wars: The Battle for Family Favorite

When grandmothers compete for grandkids’ affection, family harmony can be at stake. Here’s how to keep the peace

Marcia Kester Doyle,

AARP

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Published November 26, 2025

two sets of boxing gloves, one blue and one red. one blue glove says best granny, and one red glove says number one nana

Monica Garwood

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It’s a scenario many grandmothers can relate to: competing to be the favorite granny. Recently a good friend of mine shared that she felt she was in competition with her son-in-law’s mother, who had been taking care of the grandkids every weekend and stepping in whenever one of the babies got sick.

My friend does her best to help out the family, but she works full-time and cannot drop everything to babysit like the other grandmother, who is retired. It’s a situation that can be frustrating, especially when social media updates from her son-in-law seem to favor the other grandmother. I’ve told her not to take the comments to heart, but her sense of being slighted persists.

Fortunately, I get along well with the other grandmothers in my family and am grateful for their devotion to their grandkids. However, I know this isn’t always the case in other families.

“The competition between grandmothers can range from mild to quite intense, but it’s not unusual to see some level of competition,” says clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg. “These women feel the need to validate their hierarchy in the family and to ensure their importance in the grandchildren’s lives.”

Sometimes the competition between grandmothers begins before the baby is even born. Arguments may arise over who hosts the baby shower, who buys the baby’s first outfit or what names the grandmothers choose for themselves in their new role (e.g., Nana, Grandma, Nonnie). This can be problematic if both grandmothers prefer the same name.

Rivalries may also occur over which grandmother gets to see and hold the baby first after it’s born. For some, it’s a tug-of-war to establish power and to prove who is more qualified to care for the baby.

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Ann M. from Missouri discovered this right after her first grandchild was born. “My problem with the other grandmother began when I first visited my newborn grandson. My daughter-in-law’s mother jumped up to rock him, change his diaper and pacify him before I could even reach him. This behavior persists today with each of our grandchildren. She acts as if I don’t know how to take care of the young ones, and it really bothers me.”

Grandparenting long distance is another issue that contributes to contention between grandmothers. Ann lives far from her grandchildren, and the other grandmother lives near the family.

“She shows up almost every time I visit and snuggles up to the kids while I’m trying to reestablish a presence with them. Since she lives close by, they’re used to frequently seeing her, but I live 800 miles away, so I only see them every three to four months. I’m bothered that she can’t figure it out — she sees them all the time, so she should understand that I want my own special time with the grandkids,” says Ann. “I asked my son and daughter-in-law if I could have my grandparent time without her joining us. My son was fine with it, but my daughter-in-law was offended. Eventually, though, they honored my wishes, and it was wonderful.”

Melanie D. from Arizona has a similar situation with her family, who turns a blind eye to favoritism.

“My son and his wife moved in with the other grandmother four years ago when she got cancer. It was supposed to be temporary, but it has dragged on. My son was very helpful, and having my granddaughter there was medicinal for my daughter-in-law’s mother. But they stopped visiting us, and every vacation was with the daughter-in-law’s family,” says Melanie. “It’s harder for us because we have to drive a long way and get a hotel room — but we do it to see our grandkids. For my granddaughter’s last birthday, we asked to come, but we were told it wasn’t a good time. My son just doesn’t see it. I want his marriage to come first, but we need to see our grandkids.”

Although Melanie gets along with the other grandmother, being excluded from family gatherings is hurtful.

“I cry, but I have accepted my limited role. Having any relationship is better than none,” she says.

Other problems arise when parents are “modeling and teaching one behavior but the grandparents engage in opposite action,” says Greenberg. “This undermines the parents and confuses the grandchildren.”

A perfect example of this is the grandmother who has more financial resources and hosts extravagant birthday parties for the grandkids, offers all-expenses-paid vacations or is excessive with gift-giving.

“This presents problems for parents who want to teach their children the value of money. Grandparents, in their quest to be the family favorite, undermine this by purchasing frequent and expensive gifts for the grandchildren,” Greenberg says. She advises parents to set clear boundaries regarding gift-giving, especially when used as a means to curry favor.

This also applies to grandmothers spoiling grandchildren with too many treats, longer screen time than what’s usually allowed and other rule-bending tactics for attention.

The best strategies for resolving warring grandmothers are to allow the women to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings and concerns, and for parents to facilitate these discussions in a respectful and empathetic manner. By addressing favoritism issues directly, families can work toward a more harmonious and balanced relationship.

“There is enough room for everyone to love your grandchildren,” says Greenberg. “Spend some of your loving energy on the other set of grandparents. Your adult kids and grandchildren will appreciate this gesture. Kindness certainly trumps competitiveness.” Overall, it comes down to doing what is best for the grandchildren — and remembering that in the end, no one can steal your identity as a grandmother.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP. Names of individuals have been changed throughout the article.

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Marcia Kester Doyle is a Yahoo Life Columnist and the author of Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The Independent, U.S.A. Today/Reviewed, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, AARP, Woman's Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, and many others. You can find her at marciakesterdoyle.com.