My Biggest Regret: I’ll Probably Never Meet My Grandkids

The truth is, I barely remember my own grandparents, all of whom had died by the time I was about 6 years old. My one lasting memory of any of them was being dragged to a nursing home somewhere on Long Island to visit my paternal grandfather, a pale skeleton of a man hunched over in a wheelchair and buried under a pile of warm blankets. He barely acknowledged me. When encouraged to approach him close-up, I recoiled and hid behind my mother. I did not want to touch his wrinkled skin or breathe the air that encased him.

And I made enough of a scene that I never had to go back.

Just as I will not subject my adult children to being my caregivers, I’ve decided to create memories for my grandkids now — before they are born or I succumb to aging’s road bumps.

I am planning to leave my yet-unborn grandkids a letter and a small gift for each of their birthdays. When they are 5, that gift will be the recipe for the pumpkin rolls I make every fall, and I’ll include a photo of my daughter standing on a stool and working the mixer. Their 10th birthday gift might be a column I once wrote about bullies and how best to handle them. (My son, at 10, brought his bullies down on the soccer field, and I was proud of every red card he earned.)

Some letters to my future grandkids will be marked “Open when someone breaks your heart,” and others will be for when they have “a really, really bad day.” There will be a letter about kindness to others and another one on why we all should cherish the gift of nature. I will spice it up with advice, like telling them to travel the world because that’s the best education anyone can have, followed only by reading books, books and more books.

And of course I will share the credos I’ve lived by: Don’t lie, especially not to yourself. Don’t be afraid to take a chance; the only failure is not trying. Figure out who your real friends are, and here’s a hint: They are the ones who are always happy for you. It helps if they bring you soup when you are sick, too.

I also plan on leaving my future grandkids a video of myself asking for their forgiveness for not being around for them. I will say I should have taken better care of my health — exercised more and drank less wine. I absolutely will not apologize for all the fun I’ve had, nor will I say I’m sorry for having a demanding career that sometimes took me away from my family. I think I turned out to be a pretty damn good mother, in no small part because of that career.

Now, if I can only last long enough to try my hand at grandmothering....

In the meantime, here are a few more ideas for how to stay present in your grandchildren’s lives after you’ve gone.

Make future gifts matter. Heirloom jewelry with a note explaining its significance might make a good wedding or graduation gift.

Record a video. Prepare a video of your extended family’s traditions, holidays and events.

Chart the family tree. Make a video or scrapbook of your family’s ancestry, adding photos where you can.

Create a time capsule. This stash of keepsakes can be opened at a certain age or milestone.

Read a book. Make a recording of yourself reading your favorite children’s books to your future grandchild.

 AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.