Rethinking Family Caregiving: 10 Reasons to Consider a Change

This comment may come from a husband attending the kids’ soccer games, piano practices or holiday parties because their spouse is busy caregiving for a parent. (Approximately  60 percent of caregivers are women.)

It may reach a point where caregiving duties eliminate the intimate relationship between a husband and wife. “The wife is so enmeshed with her parents that she doesn’t realize her husband is about to walk out the door until she gets the divorce papers,” says Wilson.

That’s why married couples must have discussions early on about how much time is reasonable to devote to caregiving for parents. This demanding role not only impacts their marriage, she notes, but also their children and their careers.

4. You feel you are the only one capable of handling the role.

You are probably incapable of being an impartial caregiver if you think you are the only one who can do the job, says Joseph Gaugler, a professor and endowed chair in long-term care and aging at the University of Minnesota.

He says that caregivers who believe they, alone, can do the job are likely oblivious to how many others are in similar situations. At the same time, they are likely unaware of opportunities that could provide them with some respite from 24-7 caregiving.

“They don’t realize that they are worthy of a break and deserve it,” he says. “That’s a red flag.”

5. You can’t physically do it anymore.

If your body says you can’t physically do the required caregiving job any longer, it’s critical to stop doing it — or get help, says Wilson.

This is most common in spousal caregiving as both parties age. The physical wear and tear of lifting someone out of a wheelchair — or out of a bathtub — every day can be too much for older caregivers, she says. If you lack the strength, size or skill to do the job, it could harm you too. “When they fall, they’ll pull you down with them,” she says.

This is the very same reason that many nurses leave the nursing career, she adds. You can only lift so many people so many times until your back pays for it.

6. You are burnt out.

“I never endorse that a caregiver should reach their last straw,” says Meyer.  

In other words, she explains, no caregiver should wait to take action until they can’t stand doing the job any longer.

Burnout will manifest differently for everyone, she says. For many, it’s feeling constantly resentful toward the person you are caring for. She warns, “There is no burnout fairy in caregiving.”  It may take a lot of work to find a replacement — if you can.

7. Caregiving is impacting your job and you can’t afford to stop working.

Caregiving and full-time work don’t always mix, especially if your responsibilities cause you to arrive late, leave early or miss work to attend frequent doctor visits with a loved one.  

That’s why it’s particularly critical, very early on, to have a detailed discussion with your work supervisor about navigating some of the time challenges. “Being open with your supervisor is the best approach,” Meyer says.

You certainly don’t want to wait until your employer has terminated you or is threatening to. Sometimes, she says, a solution can be found in limiting your caregiving hours instead of completely stepping out of caregiving.

8. You have become socially isolated.

Caregivers often spend so much time with their loved ones that they basically neglect themselves and everyone else, says Wilson. “If you are the only person caring for your parent, you are enabling social isolation by not involving other people or caregivers,” she says.

Under this scenario, the caregiver has often given up on meeting with friends and no longer pursues their own social interests, says Wilson. This is not good for the caregiver or care recipient. She says that if you feel yourself reaching this point in your caregiving journey, it’s crucial to reassess whether you are helping or harming your loved one in your role.

9. You are too ill to be a caregiver.

Older caregivers, in particular, are more susceptible to the strains and challenges of aging themselves. “If the caregiver is so ill that they can’t carry out the tasks of caregiving, that puts the recipient at risk,” Gaugler says.

The key to helping the caregiver understand that they can no longer safely fulfill their caregiving duties is to find the right person to have that often-emotional conversation with them.

In this case if another family member is unavailable to step in, the recipient may need to enter some form of residential care.

10. You must move.

If you must move — particularly if you are employed in a profession that requires you to relocate with some regularity — this can be very difficult for both the caregiver and the recipient, says Wilson.

It’s not always emotionally or physically practical to bring your parent along with you to a new state. Additionally, Wilson notes that re-enrolling for some forms of Medicare and Medicaid benefits in a new state can be complicated. “This is a choice no one wants to make, but you have to be realistic,” she says.