I’m My 90-Year-Old Mom’s Caregiver, But I Still Want a Life. Help!

In the AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving’s 2020 Caregiving in the U.S. report, more than half of the caregivers surveyed (53 percent) perceived they had no choice about caregiving. Those caregivers also experienced higher levels of physical, emotional and financial strain. My guess is that many of them felt trapped, too.

How can we help you escape this awful feeling of entrapment? Changing your caregiving situation would definitely help. First, though, let’s consider alternative ways of approaching it to make such changes seem possible:

Ultimate versus limited caregiver choices

Whether they believe it or not, all adult children have choices about serving as their parents’ caregivers. Their ultimate choices are whether to commit to caregiving at all or whether to quit providing care at some point. Those who harbor past resentments toward their parents, develop their own health problems, or are weighed down by other responsibilities may just say “no” regardless of how much their parents feel owed.

Most adult children, though, exercise more limited choices. They say “yes” to caregiving, but it is a qualified yes, realistically shaped by their ability, availability, and willingness to give. For example, they may be able to help a parent with their physical therapy exercises but don’t have the strength to pick up that parent if they fall. They may be available to have dinner with them each night except on those evenings when they are committed to babysitting grandchildren. They may be willing to help get a parent out of bed each morning but resist showering or toileting them and leave that job to another sibling or hire an outside aide. You have also exercised at least one limited choice: By deciding to return to part-time employment to get out of the house, you have effectively restricted how much of your time your mother can demand of you when you are working.

What is owed

You say that your mother has told you that you “owe her to take care of her.” But what does that mean? Because she raised you, are you required to care for her exactly as she wants? Guarantee her that she never has to move? Cook her choice of meal every night and let her watch the programs she wants on the family room big-screen TV?

Another interpretation of “taking care of her” would be to ensure her well-being even if you don’t provide care in the specific manner she expects. That would entail exercising the kind of limited choice described above. You could say to your mother, “I am able to cook dinner for you every night, but not what you always prefer because of the dietary restrictions that my doctor has recommended.” Or you could say, “I’m available to drive you to visit your sister but not to the family reunion in another state because I can’t take time off from work.” Or you could say, “I am willing to guarantee that you live in a safe, clean place for the rest of your life, but not necessarily in my home because my husband and I need time together alone to strengthen our marriage.”

Negotiation, disappointment and guilt

If you choose to exercise your power of limited choice, then you and your mother will find yourselves negotiating about what you are able, available, and willing to do and what is acceptable to her. That could be very trying for both of you if your mother is particularly stubborn about having her way or if you are especially guilt-prone about disappointing her at times. However, negotiation is essential for reaching compromises between you so that you can better balance your roles as an adult child caregiver, spouse, employee, and person with your own interests and needs. Without finding compromises, you will likely continue to feel resentful of your mother and hate caregiving.

More from Barry Jacobs

Uses and abuses of caregiver silence
Pros and cons of receiving pay as a caregiver
Strength, challenges of immigrant caregivers
How to handle ‘gut check’ moments
The enduring grief of my dad's death

What might compromise for you and your mom look like? Perhaps you agree to cook your mother’s favorite meal one night a week, not seven. Perhaps you don’t take her to the family reunion this year but promise to do so next year to give you enough advance time to ask your boss for those days off from work. Perhaps you tell your mother that she doesn’t have to move, but she must agree to give you and your husband periodic respites each year, such as staying in a nursing home for a week or at your brother’s home for a month.

None of this may entirely satisfy your mother, of course. But your job as a grateful and responsible child is not to fulfill her every wish but to find realistic ways for you or other helpers to meet her needs. That means providing her with loving, practical, and sustainable care that works as well as possible for both of you.