My Dad’s Inheritance Puts Me at Odds with His Girlfriend

A reader's father is planning to will his daughters their childhood home but hasn’t told his longtime live-in partner

Barry J. Jacobs,

AARP

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Published April 14, 2025

a woman inside a home looks up. two large, sitting figures make up the ceiling above her

Vidhya Nagarajan

We asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in his caregiving column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic:

My 90-year-old father has lived with his girlfriend, Irene, for 15 years. He told me that he was leaving Irene money, but the house – our childhood home – would go to my sister and me. He said he has not talked to Irene about this and won’t talk further with me. I know he may change his mind, but right now, I dread handling this difficult situation. What is the best way to handle my concerns about this plan?

(Letter edited for length and clarity.)

Barry Jacobs: Your dread is understandable. If your father dies before Irene, then it will be terribly awkward for you in that moment when she learns she may have to leave her home of the past 15 years. That loss of her home is like an insult upon the injury of losing your father, even if she will receive money as consolation. Will she angrily blame him for dislodging her, greatly complicating her mourning process? Or will she blame you and your sister as a couple of conniving schemers for swaying him to your advantage? As much as you might hate to be painted as a malevolent bad guy in this scenario, you may be unable to avoid it.

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To shed light on how to handle this difficult situation, it would be helpful to consider three aspects of inheritance: the legal, ethical and relational.

Dad has the legal right to determine his inheritance

The most straightforward aspect of inheritance is the legal one. Unless found by a court of law to be so mentally impaired that he can’t make decisions for himself, your father has the same legal right as any other adult to determine who will receive his assets and possessions after his death. He is exercising that right by codifying his determinations in his last will and testament, presumably. (According to a 2024 caring.com survey, only about a third of Americans have written a will, leaving decisions about the distribution of their assets up to a probate court judge.) You, Irene, and others may not like what is in your father’s will but, unless you are prepared to hire an attorney to contest it, you will need to abide by it regardless of its consequences.

But are Dad’s choices ethical?

Ethics is usually defined as the moral principles guiding us in determining right and wrong. While it is certainly legal for your father to dispose of his assets in any way he wants, we can ask whether his decisions are also ethical. Is it morally right for him to possibly hurt Irene if she has been a good and devoted partner to him? And let’s suppose that Irene has also been his caregiver, attending to him as he declined in his later years. Wouldn’t that make his inheritance decision seem even more unfair and mean-hearted? It could be argued that in a just world, Irene, the caregiver, would be ethically entitled to more.

Is your father violating his relationships?

The relational aspect of inheritance covers its impact on an older adult’s relationships with spouses, children, and others. It is not just the effects of what each beneficiary receives. It is how the context of the relationship shapes the expectations of each beneficiary and, therefore, their emotional reactions to whatever they do or don’t inherit.

You, your sister, and Irene all have expectations of your father based on your individual relationships with him. Irene likely expects him to care for her when he is gone, including preserving her home. You expect that he will provide for you and perhaps protect you from these awkward situations. Your relationship with Irene may lead her to expect you to share important information that concerns her. When relational expectations are violated, people feel blindsided, are badly hurt, and often become fighting mad.

Tying together the legal, ethical, and relational

We can use these three aspects of inheritance to think through some possibilities for handling this situation.

It makes little sense to question the legality of what your father has decided. But you may have recourse on ethical and relational grounds.

The tone of your question suggests that you think what your father is doing is wrong because it will harm Irene. Does your sister feel the same? If she does, then would she be willing to speak with your dad about your concerns for the two of you (since he “won’t talk further” with you)? Or are you both prepared to communicate them to him together in person or in a letter despite his resistance to further discussion? You might say to him:

“Dad, we love you and honor your right to decide who will inherit your house. We are also touched that you want us to have our childhood home. But we are uncomfortable accepting this generous gift if it means taking Irene’s home from her. Would you please reconsider your decision for Irene’s sake and the sake of our consciences?”

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These words are polite, reasonable, and respectful. Yet your father may still become angry at you for questioning his judgment. You’ll need to decide whether speaking your mind is worth taking this risk. There are other steps you can take to try to protect your relationship with Irene:

You could ask your father to tell Irene about his decision so that she can hear his reasoning and respond to him. That may possibly damage their relationship, but spare you from at least some of her blame.
You could tell Irene yourself without your father’s permission so that she won’t be caught by surprise after your father’s death. But if she then confronts your father with this information, he will surely be incensed at you for betraying his trust. Your relationship with him will suffer irrevocably.
You and your sister could accept your father’s decision during his lifetime but agree to tell Irene upon his death that she can continue to live in her home. Perhaps you ask her to pay rent and utilities as a tenant. Perhaps you offer to sell the house to her. She may be upset about having to spend any money if she has been living there rent-free but may appreciate your efforts to allow her to stay. Your relationship with her may not completely sour.

Though this entire situation may feel like an unwanted burden to you, you can thank your father for one thing. By sharing his inheritance decision with you now, he is giving you time to carefully think through your ethical views and the importance you place upon key relationships before those issues are thrust upon you by his death. Please use that time well. While grieving your father later, you will be ready and resolved to deal with the fallout of his decision.

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Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, family therapist and health care consultant, is coauthor of the upcoming book The AARP Caregiver Answer Book, scheduled for release on July 9, 2025. For more information, visit aarp.org/bookstore. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.