Solo Agers Facing the Future Need a Network of Friends

Research coauthored by William Chopik, a social-personality psychologist at Michigan State University, that was published in 2021 in the journal Frontiers in Psychology also found friendship benefits.

“When older adults place low importance on friendship, they may be less likely to receive emotional and practical help from friends, leaving them exposed, with no buffers, to the negative emotions stemming from changes in their lives (for example, declines in physical health),” the study says. 

Befriending people of all ages and stages

David Fink, 65, of Chicago, seems to collect friends, which he believes is partly because of his career owning a theater. Now a live-performance promoter, he says, “people in the arts connect with all levels of society,” which crosses boundaries from socioeconomic to ethnic to age.

“People keep adopting me,” Fink says. “If you live your life with a positive attitude and do interesting things, people befriend you.”

Fink says he’s also developed friendships with younger adults due to his varied interests. He’s involved in storytelling classes and volunteer activities, including an AIDS garden.

In the past several years, Fink has traveled the world with a performance group, most recently spending six weeks in India.

“We have a mission,” he says. “The motto is ‘Live as one family.’ We show the beauty of multiculturalism in the arts. In this country, people really need to find their tribe and find their community now.”

Because his mother had health issues that began before she turned 30, Fink says he’s planned for his aging future and has granted his medical power of attorney to extended-family members rather than his siblings, who he believes wouldn’t have the “detachment necessary” for decision-making. His mother lives in suburban Chicago.

“I do think there’s a lot of loneliness and isolation — particularly around aging,” Fink says. “It takes effort to find your people and stay connected.”

“You can’t necessarily rely on your immediate nuclear family,” says Louise Hawkley, who retired last year after serving as a principal research scientist at NORC, an independent, nonpartisan research institution at the University of Chicago. “It’s important to have friends all along on one’s life course.”

An AARP survey of solo agers who are 50 and older, conducted by NORC and released in 2021, found that just one-third of respondents have someone to help manage their household or handle daily expenses; 77 percent reported little or no planning for living assistance as they age.

Among the organizations trying to help older adults is the nonprofit Village to Village Network. This membership-based national group encourages groups of neighbors in a designated area to bond together and care for each other so that all can successfully age in their communities. Each virtual village is different, but most offer educational programs and social events, transportation to medical appointments, vetted service providers and other support systems for members. Currently, 285 villages are operating, with another 50 in development.

“A lot of people think solo agers have nobody around. Some have adult children who are not in the picture,” says Barbara Sullivan, executive director. “A lot of the choices are building your caregiving team — who is going to be the person to be responsible.”

Sullivan says solo aging will be highlighted at her organization’s virtual conference in September.

“This is a part of growing older,” she says.

‘A little pact’

Patricia Wood, 69, of San Diego, has been divorced more than 30 years. She’s thought about the future because her 38-year-old daughter Kimberly was diagnosed as a child with neurodegeneration with brain iron accumulation (NBIA), a group of neurologic disorders that has left her “100 percent dependent,” without the ability to speak or move voluntarily.

Wood is founder of the NBIA Disorders Association, which she started in 1996. She stepped down as president in 2023 and is now research program director. She’s planned for her daughter’s future by creating a special needs trust fund for Kimberly’s care, and Wood says she’s also discussed it with her daughter’s father, who might be able to care for Kimberly should Wood become unable. Wood has been the primary caregiver, a role shared with her ex-husband.

However, a few years ago, she and six close friends who live in the San Diego area “made a little pact that we’ll be here for each other and be some backup care for each.

“Of the seven of us, only one is married, and the rest are single,” Wood says, explaining that one has an adult child an hour away, three never married and are childless and the other two are divorced, with children outside California.

Although Wood has a close-knit support group, many solo agers don’t.

“We have a growing population of older adults, and with more over 75, more are going to be lonely,” says Hawkley.

For solo agers without these family bonds, finding help is piecemeal, says attorney C. Grace Whiting, a former CEO of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (NAELA).

“There is no unified national system for people who are aging alone,” she says. “You’re looking at volunteer and community-based services.”

Whiting says instead of worrying about the future, view the planning process as a way to have agency over your future life. It’s creating a plan to “maintain your dignity and autonomy,” she says.

Chopik adds that it’s never too late to seek new friendships, as his research finds that friends are a plus at any life stage.

“You might feel embarrassment that you don’t have extended family or that many friends,” he says, but “you don’t really need super-long-term friends to benefit your happiness and well-being.”

This story, originally published in 2022, has been rewritten with new information.