AARP Hearing Center
Kiersten Essenpreis
He died.
He died.
Damon died and
Those words still
Do not feel real to me
To us
This verse is taken from a poem Lesli DeVito wrote and posted a few months ago on Instagram to commemorate the one-year anniversary of her husband’s unexpected death; he died on Valentine’s Day in 2023.
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The 65-year-old artist from Charlottesville, Virginia, did what many do when grieving a loss. She turned to social media to share thoughts and feelings that are difficult, raw, and complicated.
“Without social media to air my grief,” says DeVito, who was married to her husband, Damon, for 28 years, “I think I would’ve been a lot more isolated.”
Working through feelings, finding support on social media
Aug. 30 is National Grief Awareness Day, which may send more people to share or vent on social media. Other reasons may include losing someone special or the loss of a job, or a child leaving home, says Laci James, a licensed married and family therapist and the clinical director at The Mental Health Center of San Diego.
And older people are more likely to go through these kinds of big changes, she adds — they are at greater risk of “losing big pieces of their lives and identity.”
But can posting ever be too personal? And should you care what other people think? Here’s what to know — no matter if you’re on the sending or receiving side.
Ask yourself what you hope to gain by posting
Sorting out why you are posting before you post is key, says Gina Moffa, LCSW, a licensed grief and trauma therapist in New York City. That will help you understand what you hope to gain.
There is the very practical reason of posting to let people know of a loved one’s passing.
DeVito initially posted about Damon’s death as an easy way to reach lots of people without having to repeatedly recount the same heartbreaking details.
For Sam Shimer, 60, very few people knew that his wife, Deborah, had been ill with bile duct cancer when he posted news to both his and Deborah’s Facebook pages that she had died.
Or maybe you’re just looking for a place to dump emotions that feel too heavy to carry alone.
“Some people [write] long posts and say, ‘I don’t need advice. I don’t need anything. I just needed to get this off my chest,’” says Moffa, who has a chapter on navigating social media amidst grief in her book Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go.
Take a beat before you post
Moffa cautions against feeling pressured to share more than you normally would on social media — a slippery slope when in a vulnerable state.
Lisa Soukup, 55, an educator from Palatine, Illinois, lost her husband of 18 years, Jack Netter, in August 2022 — seven months after he was diagnosed with glioblastoma brain cancer.
At first, she sent a post to her immediate connections. Then she waited a day or two before making it public.
That process gave her time to prepare for the responses she doesn’t care for and how to handle them. She urges people who are grieving and posting to be prepared for comments such as “This should be in therapy” or “Are you going to harm yourself?’”
“At one point, I posted, ‘I’m going to keep posting now that Jack is gone. If this makes you uncomfortable, please feel free to unfollow me,’” she says.
It’s also good to take time to consider how others who are also grieving your loved one might feel about a post, says James.
In the early days of being a widow, out of respect, DeVito almost always ran what she wrote by her three children, who were young adults, before posting. “Yes, this was happening to me, but it was not only happening to me.”
Stick with positive posts — and encourage others to do the same
Shimer recommends sharing happy memories of someone you’ve lost, then asking others to do the same.
Shimer estimates he’s written more than 50 posts since Deborah passed six years ago. He often posts videos of storms outside his condominium window and writes about how he visualized Deborah “riding the lightning” now because that’s something she would do.
Soukup remembers being grateful to those people she didn’t even know —from Jack’s life before they knew each other, and from his work — who reached out to say they knew him and, sometimes, to share a meaningful story.
“That can be very calming and comforting, because it reminds you that your person had a place in the world and people haven’t forgotten them,” she says.
How to respond to posts about grief
Then there’s the other side of it. When reading a social media post about someone else’s grief, it can be tricky to know what to leave in a comment.
The responses DeVito most appreciated were straight to the point, such as “I love you” and “I’m holding you in my heart.” Even when people responded to her posts only with a simple heart emoji, she says, “It really felt like I was always getting a little hug.”
Just be careful not to hit send when you’re responding in a hurry.
When Moffa posted on Facebook about her mother’s death seven years ago, someone she considered “a dear friend” didn’t call or text but left one sentence: “Heaven just gained another angle.” The misspelling was hurtful, says Moffa, because it was like she couldn’t be bothered to spell-check.
And what to say? Moffa suggests responses such as: “This is a huge and surreal loss.” “This is really terrible and I’m so sorry for you and your family.” “I will check in with you this week.”
Video: What to Say When a Friend Loses a Loved One
Respect that there is grief of all kinds
Erich Van Dussen, a 55-year-old writer from Penfield, New York, took to Facebook after losing his English bull terrier, Jones, in 2015. Jones died a few weeks after being diagnosed with late-stage cancer.
“Losing him was like losing a family member,” says Van Dussen.
Van Dussen is in good company. Fifty-one percent of pet owners consider their pets to be as much a part of their family as a human member, according to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey.
Van Dussen still occasionally posts about Jones but he is mindful not to come across as “oversharing or fishing for condolences” when uploading pictures and stories from their time together.
To share on social media at a time of grief — whatever kind of grief — is a way to be connected. “It’s a gift that we don’t appreciate enough,” Moffa says. “When we’re in the hardest part of our lives, which is loss, it is the gossamer cord back to life again.”
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