How to Overcome Middle-Age Traveler’s Guilt

When I talk with other friends and acquaintances in their 40s and 50s, I hear many of the same issues that I feel. In many ways, talking about the concerns we share over traveling without our parents or children validate my own feelings for the need for some downtime. It also reminds me I’m not facing the issue alone. The balance between self-care and caring for our loved ones is tricky, and constantly evolving as our parents and children grow older.

Unlike Daddy, I love to wander to new places, even if I must endure a little guilt. I often need the break, and each place reminds me of home in some way. According to Small, that is probably a good thing. “If the caregiver has not come to terms with such unresolved mental challenges, they will suffer and likely experience guilt about taking time for themselves on a vacation,” he says. “To provide the best care, adult children need to take breaks to recharge their emotional batteries lest they burn out and get depressed.”

The writer and her family traveled to Cooperstown, New York. Clockwise from left, Trudy, Jeff and Peyton Saunders.

Courtesy Trudy Haywood Saunders

Destinations recall home

I recently visited New England and upstate New York for the first time and was enamored by the region. The Fly Creek Cider Mill & Orchard just outside of Cooperstown, New York, took me back to visits to Mingus Mill in the Smoky Mountains with my parents and Hendersonville’s many apple orchards. Funspot, which is known as the world’s largest arcade with classic games in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, evoked memories of playing skeeball and pinball with my cousins at the pavilion at Goldston’s Beach at White Lake. Even the names of places like Lexington and Concord, Massachusetts, the historic Revolutionary towns near Boston, sounded like home, just without the barbecue and race cars.

Some places like Lexington, Massachusetts, reminded the writer of home. Here, the Lexington Minuteman statue.

Courtesy Trudy Haywood Saunders

“Research consistently shows that vacations reduce stress, improve mental health and promote overall well-being,” Sultan says. “Taking a break allows individuals to decompress and return with greater patience and energy, benefiting not just the traveler but their family as well.” 

Small agrees. “Knowing that your own self-care is critically important to providing optimal care for your loved ones is key to minimizing feelings of remorse about taking much-needed time away from everyday responsibilities.”

No matter where I travel, there is still a feeling besides the guilt that draws me back home. Dorothy Gale from The Wizard of Oz may have been from Kansas, but she figured out the answer long ago — there’s no place like home. Perhaps Daddy had it right all along — there are places with less humidity, more things to do and certainly less insects, but there is never one that will replace home. Still, a little respite certainly makes the return sweeter.

Tips for dealing with the guilt

Sultan provides the following pointers for overcoming traveler’s guilt.

1. Share the benefits. Talk openly with your family about how the trip can help you recharge. Chances are your parents remember what it’s like to be overwhelmed working parents who need a break. A gentle reminder that you need a little time to yourself to recharge can go a long way.

2. Schedule times to connect during the trip. Staying in contact periodically helps ease anxiety for everyone. A gentle reminder that communication is limited in some areas is helpful, too.

3. Balance solo and family travel. Alternate between vacations with loved ones and personal getaways to ensure everyone feels included. This will help preserve your need for self-care.

4. Involve your family in planning. Let them help choose a small token or souvenir from your destination by sending pictures or video chatting, making them feel part of your journey.

5. Remember the bigger picture. Taking time for yourself isn’t selfish. It’s an essential part of sustaining your ability to care for others effectively.