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CAREversations: Caregivers Sharing with Each Other
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“Over 59 million people become caregivers each year,” said facilitator Kat Tan at a recent CAREversations event sponsored by AARP Virginia. These events help caregivers share information with one another and build relationships to help them navigate their caregiver journeys.
The group selected two topics to discuss, then broke into smaller groups, later coming together for Tan to record key points.
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The first discussion topic was Starting the Conversation: How to talk with loved ones about their situation and wishes. The AARP Family Caregiving Guide, provided to each attendee, says that it’s easy to put off these conversations because they are difficult.
The guide recommends looking for an opening, such as mentioning an article you’ve read about estate planning or future care. Try to anticipate what your loved one might say and how they will react. Most importantly, listen to what they have to say.
It’s also important to respect your loved one’s wishes, which should be the core of the caregiving plan. It’s best to have a point person on the caregiving team -- relatives, friends, colleagues, professionals, and organizations -- to keep the process moving along, although sometimes caregivers may find it helpful to engage an outside facilitator, such as a social worker or family minister.
Size up the situation by figuring out what your loved one’s priorities are, such as where they want to live and the nature of the care needed. This helps caregivers identify resources before they are needed.
Money can be a sensitive topic, but it is important to review finances because money is often at the heart of many decisions that need to be made, such as housing and health care. Work with your loved one to review bank accounts, investments, insurance coverage, and loans. Find out whether they have long-term care insurance or other assets that can help cover potential care needs.
The guide advises that caregivers are likely to encounter resistance and hesitancy to talk about such issues but urges them to gently keep up the conversation.
Some of the points made by the CAREversation participants included being aware that situations and emotions change over time and you must adjust to their individual needs. It’s also important to keep things familiar with the person and respect their wishes as much as possible.
Sometimes the caregiver must also face reality and be aware of their own emotions. Richard, who cares for his wife with brain damage, said his own morality hit him hard when he had a conversation with his daughter about updating his and his wife’s wills. While he could deal with his wife’s issues, he found he was not ready to face questions about his own end of life.
The second discussion topic was Building Your Caregiving Team: How to build a support team of relatives, friends, colleagues, professionals, and organizations to help both the loved one and the caregiver.
Caring for a family member or friend can be too big a job for one person, says the AARP Family Caregiving Guide, leading to burnout and health problems for the caregiver. The guide suggests working with the loved one to help identify those outside of immediate family, such as neighbors, friends, or those from a faith community.
Not everyone in the team needs to live close by or have unlimited time to help, says the guide. Some can assist behind the scenes by setting up meal organization, bill paying, or financial assistance. Putting a supportive team together strengthens both the caregiver’s and the loved one’s ability to cope with issues that arise.
The group recommendations included having age diversity in the caregiving team to keep it well balanced. They suggested both assigning roles and asking team members what role they would like to take on.
Social groups like neighbors, friends, or former colleagues; faith communities; and non-profit organizations, such as support groups for veterans or individuals with specific conditions, were suggested as sources to help build caregiving teams. One woman recommended checking references on home aid workers, if home aid becomes a care option.
Most importantly, the group encouraged each other not to give up on everything and not to lose themselves in their caregiving journeys.
For more information, resources, and support for caregivers, visit AARP’s Family Caregiving page.
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