Our Son Asked Us to Contribute to Our Grandchild’s College Fund, But We Barely See Him

College certainly doesn’t come cheap these days. For the 2024–2025 academic year, the average tuition and fees for in-state undergraduate students attending a four-year public college hit $11,610, more than double the average cost 30 years ago, according to a College Board report.  

One way grandparents can help a grandchild offset the costs is to contribute to a 529 college savings plan. Among grandparents who are actively saving for a grandchild’s education, 84 percent said they opened a 529 plan for them, according to an October 2024 survey by Saving For College, a resource for information on paying for higher education.

One Money Manners reader, however, feels reluctant to donate to their grandchild’s 529 plan. Our etiquette columnist offers this advice.

My son suggested that my husband and I start contributing to our 4-year-old grandchild’s 529 plan, but I was taken aback since we barely get to see him. My son and daughter-in-law spend all of the holidays with her family. We also live far away, and they don’t come to visit us. We want to be supportive, but at the same time, we don’t feel inclined to fund our grandchild’s college education if we don’t have a relationship. How do we say no, respectfully, and express our desire to spend more time together?

This is a tough one. Not only is it tough to have someone ask you for money, but it’s much, much harder when you don’t feel good about giving it. At the same time, you don’t want to punish your grandchild. I’m sure you care about his education, but it’s hard to feel supportive when you don’t feel close or feel like there’s even a relationship present. 

Money Manners

Lizzie Post is AARP's financial etiquette columnist. She is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s also the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.

Have a question? Email us at moneymanners@aarp.org. 

I think your best approach is to separate the two issues: the ask for college fund money, and the desire for a relationship with your grandchild.

Tell your son you’ll think about making a contribution to the 529. Yes, this is a stalling tactic, but it will benefit both of you. With a little more time, you can develop a clearer picture of whether this relationship can function in a way that allows you to feel good about making a 529 contribution.