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How to Deal With a Defiant Teen
Keeping the communication lines open when your once-sweet kiddo gets a little prickly
Lehel Kovács
It was nearly 20 years ago, but Kim Muench, 56, still remembers the moment clearly. Her teenage son, angry about his curfew, walked into the laundry room, where she was folding clothes, and called her a bitch. Muench was stunned and devastated; her oldest had never acted like that before. (Ten minutes later, he came back to apologize.)
Now a certified parent coach near Dallas and a mother of five with one teen still at home, Muench knows not to take such adolescent outbursts personally. “A lot of times, it’s not really about you,” she says. “They’re struggling with their own emotional lives, whatever drama is going on for them or just all the changes that they’re having to go through.”
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But it’s not always easy to stay zen when your kid is raging. Who likes getting yelled at for “breathing weird”? Developmental experts offer some simple strategies for weathering your teen’s stormy moods with your relationship intact — and even strengthened.
Use the ‘Botox brow.’ Teens aren’t always able to correctly identify facial expressions, research has shown. If yours is fretting about a bad grade, they might interpret your crinkled forehead as a sign of anger rather than sympathy, says Michelle Icard, author of 8 Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success. To avoid miscommunication, Icard counsels parents to be “extraordinarily neutral looking” — as if you’ve received a heavy dose of Botox — when speaking with an upset teen. “They feel safe then to tell you more, because you’re not going to get mad or freak out with whatever they tell you.”
Take a back seat. When your teen has an idea that you know won’t go anywhere, don’t immediately shoot it down, says Zachary Feldman, M.D., associate psychiatry professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine. Listen and ask open-ended questions instead. Let them try things out on their own. “Don’t try to solve their problems right away,” Feldman advises. “Sometimes they just want to talk.”
Suggest a try-this-first list. Encourage your kid to make a list of 10 things that make them happy — for example, shooting hoops or watching dog videos, Icard advises. Then, when your teen comes to you worked up about friendship drama, suggest they try something on their list for 20 minutes and then come back for a chat. That time focused on a favorite activity can stop spiraling feelings and build self-awareness. “It’s a lesson in, ‘When I feel discomfort, I can do something to make myself feel better. I don’t have to wait for somebody else to fix my emotions,’ ” says Icard.
Schedule a weekly check-in. Teens are insanely busy. Sitting down with them once a week to discuss activities and schedule homework sessions can head off last-minute crises and meltdowns, says Ana Homayoun, author of Erasing the Finish Line: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades and College Admission. Schedule a regular check-in to find out what’s ahead for the week, such as a big test or a late away game. “You’re not micromanaging the process, but you’re creating a time and space for the process to happen,” Homayoun says.
Let them stay in their room. As a teen does the hard work of separating themselves from their parents, their bedroom becomes a place to express their independence and regroup. Give them their privacy, counsels Stephen P. Whiteside, a child psychologist at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. As long as your teen is putting in effort at school and engaging with family and friends, it’s fine to let them spend time off by themselves. (Note: If you see your child retreating from school, family and other aspects of life, it might be time to call in their pediatrician for a mental health assessment, Whiteside advises.)
Turn the other cheek. Thinking back to that moment in the laundry room, Muench, author of Becoming Me While Raising You: A Mother’s Journey to Her Self, is thankful her son returned to apologize. If you’re in a similar situation but your child doesn’t return, she advises taking some time to let your kid cool off — and to cool off yourself — and then going to talk to them. “It’s not about ‘You were disrespectful to me,’ ” she says. “It’s about ‘What’s going on? This is really out of character for you. I just want you to know I’m here to support you.’ Instead of being offended, be curious.”
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