Is Talking to Yourself Normal?

Some people report using self-talk to help them calm down in periods of negative mental states. Research, for instance, has found that when people are anxious or stressed, they are more likely to engage in self-talk. 

Humans, by nature, don't tend to do well with uncertainty and self-talk can help to overcome that by giving you a way to identify what you’re feeling, says Judith Joseph, MD, a NYU professor, and author of High Functioning. One way to do this, she says, is to identify the emotion you are feeling and say it out loud - i.e. “I am sad” or “I am frustrated.” Howe agrees, noting that “verbalizing emotions can make them feel more manageable—almost like you’re giving yourself the support a friend would.”

A great way to pump yourself up or stay motivated

“Ever caught yourself saying, ‘Alright, let’s figure this out’ before tackling a problem? That’s your brain actively engaging with itself,” says Savana Howe, founder of Dr. Howe Psychology. There are studies that show that athletes do this to stay motivated, students use it to reinforce learning, and professionals use it to mentally prepare for challenges. “Even something as simple as saying, ‘I’ve got this’ can boost confidence,” says Howe. 

“From a personal motivation perspective, I really do believe in the power of positive self-talk, at the gym, in the mirror, before a big meeting — all of that,” says Carol Bergman, 52. She does it before she works out with a “come on, you got this!” or will utter an out loud  “you look marvelous” if she needs to hear some kind words about herself from time to time. 

A way to keep yourself company 

According to the social isolation theory, people who spend more time by themselves are more likely to engage in self-talk. This tracks for Los Angeles-based Susan von Seggern, 56, an only child whose childhood pediatrician told her mother that this can sometimes be the case in kids without siblings. As the mom of an only child herself, von Seggern notices that her son also engages in this practice from time to time. “When I hear him talking to himself, I tell him it’s normal for onlies too,” says von Seggern.

This may also be the reason people like to talk to voice assistants, like Alexa, around their home. The University of Nebraska conducted a small study of adults ages 75 and older living alone in independent living facilities who were given an Amazon Echo device to interact with, doing everything from greeting it with “good morning” to replying to its prompts with feedback like “That’s very good.” After four weeks, the participants who had daily out loud conversations with the technology reported feeling less lonely and many continued with the practice.

“I think a lot of us, especially during COVID, maybe start talking to ourselves or to our pets or to something to be acknowledged,” says Valerie Jones, PhD, lead author on the study and associate professor with the College of Journalism & Mass Communications at the University of Nebraska–Lincoln. So if you felt yourself talking to yourself more during the pandemic you were likely not being as strange as you thought you were. 

“The only catch is that it shouldn't replace real human connection,” says Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist at One Life Counselling & Coaching. Self-talk, he says, is not a substitute for meaningful relationships. If talking to yourself starts to feel like your main source of companionship, or if you're talking to yourself more than other individuals, it might be time to reach out to a friend, a family member, or even a therapist, he says. 

When self-talk might be harmful, or just embarrassing

In general, talking to yourself is harmless – and is in many instances, helpful. “But if someone is having full conversations with voices that aren’t their own or struggling to distinguish their thoughts from reality, that could indicate a more serious mental health condition, like schizophrenia,” says Howe. Otherwise, the only real downside, she adds, might be social awkwardness— as “talking to yourself in public might earn you a few looks.” But in private? It’s just another way of thinking out loud.

Koss adds that people should keep in mind that talking out loud to yourself does violate social norms to some degree and it might be best to reserve these moments more for in private. “That's something to be aware of as well, because in our culture we have linked talking out loud with mental illness,” he explains. 

If you are going to do it in public, he has a hack that works: “I remember once having a very high stakes presentation that I had to give in London, and I was trying to walk myself through it, and I wanted to do it out loud, not just in my head. So I just popped in my air pods,” he says. If you have a habit of doing this outside of your home– say while walking through the aisles in front of other people at Costco – pretending to be on a phone call may help you to fit in more with the masses, he jokes. 

“Ultimately, if it's serving you well, then keep doing it,” says Koss, of talking to yourself. The only major caveat? Try to keep the negative self-talk at bay. 

Sue Procko, 62, of Savannah, Georgia, found herself having a mainly negative spin until a friend gave her a technique for how to flip the script. “He asked me to think of a term of endearment I would call a partner like honey, love, or sweetie. And then told me to start calling myself that,” she says. So now, she uses pet names to help her to be much gentler with the words she speaks out loud to herself. “So, I've started calling myself ‘love’ or "boo’ – "Boo, it's ok to take a break from working now. You got a lot done today,’” she says. It’s been a game changer in helping her to flip her self-talk from destructive to productive.