What Not to Say to a Woman Over 50

Skip the ‘You used to be pretty!’ and ‘You sure are spry!’ says this writer

Susan Moeller,

AARP

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Published April 02, 2025

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As I sat in church one Sunday, someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You have lovely hair.” I turned to the pew behind me and the speaker was a man who looked to be 70-something sitting next to a gray-haired woman, presumably his wife. I thanked him, wondering if the comment was nice or a tad weird. My hair is a short more-salt-than-pepper mix, similar to lots of other women in the congregation, including the one next to him. Then he added, “You're like my wife; you’re embracing your maturity.”

Huh?

I’m not embracing anything except that it’s too much darn trouble and expense to dye my hair. And what’s his exact message? That I’m “mature”? Gosh, thanks. I wasn’t clear on the fact that in my 70s I am mature, a.k.a old.

What is it about women over 50 that seems to invite comments about our looks? It’s like we turn into communal property with no etiquette barriers against sexist or ageist comments. It reminds me of when I was pregnant and people offered unending advice or egads! when they reached out to pat my belly.

I get it. many comments are well-meaning if misplaced. I remember when the younger people who worked for me first told me — nicely — that I reminded them of their mother; then it morphed into their grandmother. Recently, a contemporary and I were leaving a museum on a beautiful clear day. Warm, sunny and no ice or other hazards that I could see in the parking lot. “Be careful, ladies,” the guard said as we walked out the door. We both laughed, thinking about the outrageously dangerous things we had done in our youth. Now, apparently walking to the car is a risk.

But what triggers patronizing comments like, “Hey, look at you, wearing jeans!” that imply it’s a miracle that we even got dressed at all, let alone fashionably — like I’m a 5-year-old who managed to put on her own shoes. Language matters, and how we use it says a lot about how we view and treat women, particularly older ones.

I wondered if this was just me being oversensitive — you know us gals. But I did an informal survey among some women friends, all close to 50 or older, and several had similar complaints.

Here are some regulars that may sound familiar.

The hair, so many comments on the hair

"Your hair makes you look old." This was said to a friend with shoulder-length, curly, gray hair who just turned 60. Another friend with lovely gray hair was asked if she was her daughter’s grandmother. I won’t make assumptions based on your hair if you don’t make them about mine.

Then, there are backhanded compliments that start with, “Did you used to…” or “Do you still…”

"I bet you used to be nice looking." Seriously? Who says this to anyone? But it’s typical when you show someone a photo from, say, 40 years ago, and they respond, “Oh, you were so pretty.” Or, as a recent birthday card said, “You’re still cool, sharp, witty, vibrant and fun…” as if we had expiration dates.

Or how about the nicknames people call older women

"Hello, young lady."

Like nails on a blackboard. It might be said sweetly but always ironically. Or how about this one I got recently: “Happy Birthday, old girl,” which made me feel like a Labrador retriever. Let’s also drop “sweetie,” “dearie,” “honey” and anything else that comes off too intimate from someone I’m not married to. I’m 75, not 7. Honestly, going back to my Southern roots, I’m fine with “ma’am,” if you need to call me something other than my name.

And then there's the style critique

"You don’t dress like a woman in her 70s!" Apparently, at some magical age, it becomes appropriate for us to dress in pearls and lace-trimmed print dresses like Aunt Bea from The Andy Griffith Show rather than in low-cut gold lamé like Goldie Hawn, 79, at the Oscars. Who even knows how old Aunt Bea was supposed to be? The actress who played her, Frances Bavier, was only 58 when the series premiered in 1960. Hardly ancient. Or elderly. How about we just stick to “That's a lovely dress.”

And those oh-so-cringe-worthy adjectives

"You’re so spry!" Trips to the gym, swimming, handbell ringing, walking 20 or so miles a week. I work hard for my physical well-being. Would a 40-something who does that be “spry” — like it’s stunning I’m even upright? Maybe — maybe — when I’m 90-something you can use this word.

So what do you say?

Look, women under 50 have the right to complain as well — all women can repeat ridiculous things people have said to us. But as we age, compliments often become rarer, so we value the ones we get even more. We want people to be kind and sincere, not patronizing or ageist or disrespectful of our personal space. Like everyone else, older women just want to feel good.

One cold day, I was waiting for my hair stylist to open and I struck up a casual conversation with a police officer working a roadside construction detail. We exchanged a few friendly comments about the bitter weather and the long wait for spring. He was still there when I came out after my haircut. As I got into my car, I tossed my hair a bit and said, “What do you think?”

“Looking good!” he shouted.

That’s what you say to a woman over 50.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.

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Susan Moeller is a contributing writer who covers lifestyle, health, finance and human-interest topics. A former newspaper reporter and editor, she writes features and essays for Boston’s Globe Magazine and her local NPR station, among other outlets.