AARP Hearing Center
Tara Anand
Like millions of married couples, Gary S.* and his wife, Helena, envisioned retirement as a time to travel and embark on new adventures together. But life dealt the couple a devastating blow in 2005, when Helena was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, which progressively worsened. Today Helena, 71, is unable to speak or move her body. Nutrition is administered through a feeding tube inserted into her stomach. An aide comes each day to monitor her vitals and help with personal care — and to give Gary, also 71, a few hours to himself to work part-time.
Although the couple’s retirement dream has evaporated, Gary’s love and commitment to his wife of 51 years is undiminished. But as daunting as the challenges of caring for her can be, he also grapples with a less obvious consequence: his own isolation. The devastating loneliness he felt after his wife’s diagnosis has evolved into a numbness, he says.
“The disease has taken everything,” says the Pennsylvania resident. “I miss Helena’s voice. I miss having dinner with her. I miss her being able to get up and walk around and be herself. I miss her gentleness, and I’m lonely for the hugs and affection.”
Loneliness can feel like a searing pain or a dull ache. Some people find it hard to identify and impossible to articulate. It’s not just a matter of social isolation, which is marked by a lack of connections to family, friends or a community. Mental health professionals define loneliness as the subjective, unpleasant feeling of emptiness and distress.
While most people experience loneliness at some point in their lives, the feeling can hit at different times and in different ways for each individual. One person may feel perfectly content in the solitude of their own home, while another might experience loneliness even in a group of friends.
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But research suggests that older men are disproportionately vulnerable to loneliness and more likely to experience alarming outcomes. Men over 75 have the highest rate of suicide of all age groups in the U.S. — about 41 deaths per 100,000 men — which is nearly eight times the rate for women of the same age, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Studies also show that men who lose their spouses tend to decline in health at faster rates than women do.
Why men struggle more
The root of the male loneliness crisis can be found in the cultural stereotypes of what men are supposed to be: strong and stoic, providers and protectors, says Dr. Robert Garfield, a University of Pennsylvania psychiatrist and author of Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship.
“If they break this code, they’re not living up to being a man,” Garfield says. As men move toward retirement and the end of their work lives, they’re hit not only with the impending loss of financial value — the monetary equivalent of “strength” — but also with ageism, which devalues their wisdom and experience.
Typically, men have fewer close friendships and social interactions than women, who often manage the family social calendar and take the lead when it comes to social engagements. When their partners pass away, men can be left in the dark about how to maintain their social connections. “Fundamentally, men in this culture often isolate themselves and are reluctant to share personal issues that have emotional relevance to them,” says Dr. Jeremy Nobel, a faculty member at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health and author of Project UnLonely: Healing Our Crisis of Disconnection. “They may have a few pals in college with whom they keep up, but their skill set of making friends, close friends, is limited.”
Men over 75 have the highest rate of suicide of all age groups in the U.S.: about 41 deaths per 100,000 men, which is nearly eight times the rate for women of the same age.
Robert Mastrogiovanni, 78, began struggling when his wife, Kathy (now deceased), was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. On the suggestion of a therapist, the retired IRS auditor from Cherry Hill, New Jersey, joined Well Spouse, an emotional support group for the partners of men and women who are chronically ill or living with disabilities.
At monthly meetings, Mastrogiovanni says, he learned to share his feelings among people who also understood what it was like to be a caregiver. “Being in the support group gave me an outlet, which prevented burnout,” says Mastrogiovanni. “It taught me a lot about fighting loneliness and that I needed to take care of myself.”
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