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Do You Still Have to Send a Wedding Gift If You Don’t Attend?
Our etiquette expert’s answer, along with when to stick to the registry, how much to spend and how long you have to send a gift
Most couples utilize a wedding registry, but as a guest, you don’t have to stick to it. The gift you give is up to you.
Jon Krause
A wedding occupies a very special place in the world of gifting etiquette.
Traditionally, it is the only event for which the invitation obligates the guest to give a gift — whether they accept or decline. However, fewer and fewer people are aware of this convention and, to be honest, we’ve often wondered if it should go the way of the chaperone and disappear. We explain this and more to the anonymous question asker below, who wonders about the current rules for wedding gifts.
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There’s suddenly a flurry of family and friends getting married this summer. What’s the etiquette for wedding gift-giving nowadays?
Anytime you’re invited to a wedding, it’s good etiquette to send a gift — even if you don’t plan to attend and even if you aren’t super close to the happy couple. In such cases, giving a small, token gift, like a picture frame engraved with the couple’s wedding date or a small flower vase that commemorates the special occasion, is a thoughtful gesture.
Whether it’s something simple or something significant, it is entirely up to you what you give as a wedding gift, how you present it and how much you spend on it. Contrary to some rumors, there is no need to match what this person spent on or did for your wedding gift, or limit yourself to the couple’s wedding registry (although the registry is meant to make it easy for guests to purchase something the couple wants). Nor should you feel you have to “pay for your plate” by buying something that equals the “per head” cost of the wedding — how on earth would you even know such a thing?! The rules of etiquette suggest that you spend what makes sense for your budget.
Many guests like to give money because it’s simpler and more straightforward than picking out a gift, and the couple can use it as they see fit.
At the Emily Post Institute, we often suggest gifting money as a check rather than cash so that if it’s lost, it can be canceled and reissued. While apps like Venmo, Cash App and Zelle might be convenient, we like to think the event should be commemorated with something a little more special than a banking transfer, even if some of these apps allow you to attach a note to the transaction. It’s a significant event. Let’s put a little more effort into it.
Whether you decide to give cash, a check, a gift card or a gift certificate, it’s important that you include a card so you can offer your congratulations and so the money will be less likely to get lost. That’s why we also suggest sending monetary gifts to the couple’s home, rather than offering it in person on the chaotic wedding day.
As for timing: You can give any type of gift before, at or up to three months after the wedding. It’s not that after three months you couldn’t send a gift, but it’s better if you send it closer to the wedding.
Finally, a note about group gifts: How you set up a group gift is important. You want to organize it in a way that (a) allows the group to choose the item together, (b) doesn’t force anyone to announce to the group that they can’t afford to participate and (c) includes the name of everyone who contributed on the card.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, turn to the registry: It’s a fabulous resource, and even if there isn’t something on it in your budget, it can give you insight into the couple’s taste and style.
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