Finding New Friends in Retirement Is Harder Than You Think

At a young age, it’s your schoolmates or the kids on your street. In adulthood it’s coworkers, neighbors or parents of the kids your children are friends with. You see each other frequently as a matter of course, you have lots in common from Day 1, and you have the time, often months or years, to let friendships take root.

This is one good reason why so many older people don’t want to move; after so much time in one place, they are surrounded by love, by friends. This is also the appeal of retirement communities; you have daily exposure to like-minded people in the same stage of life as you, and countless platforms for connecting — pickleball, the swimming pool, gin rummy, or simply gin and tonics. But staying in your home neighborhood isn’t always viable; nor is moving to retirement communities, be it due to cost, location or personal preference.

And once you find someone you think could make a good friend, how do you proceed? I’ve had a few friend “dates” along the way; one-on-one meals with new acquaintances who also are looking for friendship and nothing more. But these often feel awkward. Romantic dating is chemical — you are looking for spark, emotional connection, a raised pulse, a sense of anticipation. A friend date puts you through the same motions as a romantic date but with an entirely different set of success criteria. Particularly among men, friendships are often best born out of side-by-side doing, not face-to-face talking.

Yet somehow, I’ve stumbled my way into what I believe could become some new and lasting friendships. My search started with Meetup, an online platform meant for friend-making via clubs and events.

I quickly found an intriguing one: Socrates Café. Every two weeks, a few dozen folks with a hankering to ponder the world and debate for fun would gather at a restaurant not far from my home to take on a few philosophical (and decidedly non-political) questions, nominated by participants and then chosen by group vote. Seemed perfect for a retiring journalist with no shortage of opinions. But while I had some excellent and mind-stretching conversations in my six or so visits, the range of participants proved too wide and the magnet of modern politics too strong to make this the warm, buddy-up platform for me.

Likewise, hiking groups seemed an obvious way to meet people, until I realized that I was often the oldest participant and that narrow, tree-rooted paths are not the easiest venue for get-to-know-you conversations. After a few months I was proud that I was trying (and even having some fun) but not so pleased that my contact list wasn’t growing larger. Time to move on to “Make Friends 2.0”: Focus my searches more tightly.

I very much wanted to resume my golf game in retirement after decades of neglect. So I looked and eventually found (on Meetup!) a group of 70 or so adults in my area who organize one or two golf outings a week, no competition, just playing for fun and then gathering in the lounge or a restaurant for a beer and maybe food. Jackpot! I’ve become a regular, and I’ve even had a few one-on-one meals with some of my new golf mates.  

I’m finding other pockets of friendship groups in a similar way. Ushering at the local concert hall, for example; here are 40 or so volunteers per show, almost all near me in age, all with a love of music. We sometimes go for coffee to continue conversations started at the show. And friends beget friends. More recently I’ve been invited to a few parties by people I didn’t know a year ago. There, I’ve struck up conversations that have led to mobile phone number exchanges.

Fifteen months after retiring, do I have a new BFF or a large menu of people to call if I’d like a dinner companion a few hours from now? Hardly. But the mere fact that I know the names of several dozen people I didn’t know a year earlier — and they know mine, and we all know we kinda like each other — gives me hope that the number of hours I sit at home alone will be blessedly declining as life moves forward.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.