My Wife Associates Sex With Guilt, Shame

Molested as a child, my wife has a hard time connecting sexually. Any advice?

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published January 16, 2025

an older couple sits on a park bench. a thundercloud and rain hovers above them

Kiersten Essenpreis

I try to make this column as fun as possible — while getting you important information. Some topics aren't fun but need to be addressed.

This week, our experts weigh in on a couple’s experience with sexual trauma and ways to help them work through it.

My wife was molested as a child and feels guilt and shame about giving, receiving, desiring or even thinking about sexual pleasure. We have a very limited sexual relationship, but we love each other deeply. Any ideas for us?

I feel your love for one another — as do our sexuality experts, all of whom have worked with clients dealing with sexual trauma. The fact that you and your wife are willing to discuss this is a huge first step. As certified sex therapist Nan Wise says: "We need to destigmatize sexual trauma and make it OK to talk about. That is a big part of the healing process."

Here's what our experts recommend for you going forward.

Talk to your wife about consulting a sex therapist who specializes in sexual abuse. Certified sex therapist Chris F. Fariello says working with a specialist will allow your wife to deal with a multitude of issues: the feeling that her power has been taken away as well as shame and guilt around the experience.

He says people who have been sexually abused also often feel less valued, dirty and broken — other issues a therapist with training in working with people who have experienced sexual abuse can help her navigate.

What your wife needs to feel, he adds, are "validity, reassurance, patience and a great deal of empathy."

Train the brain to feel safe in the here and now. Wise says there are some wonderful short-term interventions that teach a person who has been sexually abused as a child to release the guilt and shame of the past — while expanding their capacity for pleasure in the present.

"In my work, I have had clients who say: I now see myself as the hero of this story rather than the victim," she says.

The therapy that Wise, a neuroscientist, practices isn't focused on revisiting the trauma but on updating the nervous system. "Many people who have been abused feel anxiety and associate pain and trauma with sex," she says. “Their bodies actually experience a fear response. It’s been conditioned into them.”

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Wise uses mindfulness and breath work to help clients bring attention to the body and learn how to feel safe in the moment. She recommends clients build this breathing exercise into their daily routine: long smooth inhale — pause — longer smooth exhale.

"This trains the heart to slow down and gives the body a cue that you are safe," she says. "It helps reset the nervous system and lessens the grip of the fear response."

Resetting the nervous system gives your wife a way to let go of fear in general, Wise says, allowing her space to create new associations around sex that are positive.

Start off slowly. Many people with histories of trauma need to reconnect with their bodies — sexually and otherwise — in a safe environment, according to certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi.

As a first step, she recommends having a conversation about how you can be playful and curious with one another without being overtly sexual. Among her suggestions: Sit in the sun together, lay in the grass, listen to music that you both enjoy.

"It's always important to engage her sexually at her pace and in ways that do not remove her bodily autonomy and control without her explicit permission," Torrisi says.

As Fariello frames it: "Ask 'Is this OK?' every step of the way. Make sure she has the power to say yes or no."

Consider seeing a couples therapist with trauma training. Wise says a couples therapist will help you define the outcome you want to create. Her question for you both: "If we waved a magic wand, what would you like to create for yourself and your relationship?"

Fariello says a couples therapist can help facilitate a conversation around how to achieve your overarching goal: a deeper intimacy.

That process likely would start with helping you identify intimacies that feel safe like, perhaps, massage, showering together, tickling each other, laying naked beside one another. "Let's try to get what works working better," he says. "Build safety and trust, and some of those things will become less scary to explore."

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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