All We Do in Retirement Is Get on Each Other’s Nerves

A couple can’t seem to connect, even though they are with each other all the time

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published September 11, 2025

A graphic illustration shows an outside view of a home. At left, in the kitchen, a man stands with his arms crossed. At right, in the bedroom, a woman sits on a bed with her face in her hands.

John W. Tomac

Many couples imagine that retirement and an empty nest will be all about connection, travel, spontaneity and, yes, an abundance of sex.

But the reality often looks different, says psychologist and certified sex therapist Rachel Needle, explaining that instead of feeling carefree and romantic, you’re getting on each other’s nerves — which can be deeply disappointing and confusing, as this week's questioner has found.

It’s also not uncommon. Our sex and relationship experts weigh in.

I thought our empty nest and retirement would mean lots of freedom and sex. But we just keep annoying each other. How do we find one another again?

The key is to view this as a new chapter, not as a return to the past, says Needle. Here’s how to make that happen.

Acknowledge the transition you’re in. Retirement and an empty nest both represent massive life changes. “You’ve both likely lost some structure, roles or identity, and gained a lot of togetherness without necessarily planning for it,” says Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a Florida-based continuing education provider that trains sex and couples therapists worldwide.

Needle urges you to have compassion for yourself and your partner as you both find your new rhythm.

Rediscover yourselves. Neither of you is the same person you were prior to becoming parents. “A lot has happened to you both,” says licensed clinical social worker Allison Kent. “Take the time to rediscover yourselves separately and together. Do not allow routine or stagnancy to be an excuse for disconnect.”

Have a conversation — and keep it real. It’s easy to focus on what may be irritating you, but Needle says a deeper connection starts with understanding each other’s wants.

She suggests asking, “What does freedom mean to you now?” and “What would make you feel more connected or alive in this chapter of our lives?”

Ask each other questions you haven’t asked in years about dreams, fears, fantasies and joys, says Needle. “You might be surprised by what you both still long for.”

Get to know each other anew. Date each other, suggests licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson. Try something new together. Take a walk in the park, or hang out at a coffee shop. “This can be helpful,” she says. “You’ve changed over time. Things are different, and you’re both different.”

Reconnect physically without pressure. Sometimes couples assume that if the sex isn’t passionate or frequent, something is wrong, says Needle. However, intimacy comes in many forms.

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Needle suggests starting small: more touch, more eye contact, more affection without expectation. “Pleasure and connection often grow from these simple gestures,” she notes.

Build in “me” and “us” time. Create a structure for the day that works for you both, says certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman.

As an example, deal with emails in the morning, share lunch together, then enjoy some more alone time. Fleishman says to discuss the best time to have sex — first thing in the morning, right before lunch — and schedule it as you would a pickleball game or book club.

“‘Me’ and ‘us’ time will remove the annoyance factor tremendously,” says Fleishman.

Deal with lingering resentments. Some couples, busy with careers and parenting, stop working on their relationship, and when those restrictions are lifted they discover issues they hadn’t dealt with previously.

“Usually, when we talk about annoying each other, it’s about things like loading the dishwasher wrong, leaving underwear on the floor after you shower. It’s stuff, in the grand scheme, that isn’t a big deal,” says certified mediator and relationship coach Stella Harris.

But if the little stuff you notice is starting to drive you crazy, it could be a sign that you need to dig a little deeper. Harris says to ask yourself: “What am I actually unhappy about?”

Sex, dating and relationship coach Gretchen Shanks says that ruptures in a relationship, left unaddressed, can have a cumulative effect.

One sign that your relationship hasn’t been fully repaired, according to Shanks: You still have moments of reliving an argument or planning how to argue it in the future.

“Find a way to at least acknowledge what’s happening, and be different going forward” so that it doesn’t become a barrier to a vibrant sex life, she says. Talk about those ruptures, and if you have a tough time having that conversation, consider seeing a therapist or relationship coach.

The bottom line. Retirement and an empty nest don’t automatically create closeness. However, says Needle, you have an opportunity “to rediscover each other, to rewrite the rules and to fall in love again — not with who you used to be, but with who you’re becoming together.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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