Romance Movies Are Hot! My Husband Is Not

Wise says that your “mirror neurons” — designed to allow us to feel empathy — are getting triggered, so when you watch others doing things, even if it’s in a movie, it’s stimulating your ability to have empathy, connection, vicarious pleasure and, yes, new relationship energy.

Now, what to do about it.  

Lean into the film to figure out your fantasies. Certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi says romantic connection is your turn-on, which may explain why you’re not feeling attracted to your husband.

The best way to make your real-life sex hotter: Watch that movie a bit more closely and pay attention to your triggers, says Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy.

Ask yourself: What do I like about this? Is it the intensity of his desire for her? Is it about a certain body type or the beautiful dinner, candlelight and flowers he made happen?

Use your imagination. On your own, Torrisi suggests fantasizing about your turn-ons and reading or listening to erotica that tell similar stories. “Hold this for yourself, simmering your own pot,” Torrisi says. “Keep the fantasy in mind while connecting with your husband.”

Tell your husband how you feel. Wise says to have a conversation about how you feel about your sex life — and be honest.

“It’s not easy to be married. It’s not easy to be partnered,” she says. Take a risk and tell him what’s going on with you, even though he might not be receptive initially. “The biggest risk is not taking a risk — and do recognize that you can jump-start the system.”

Wise suggests that you read Kate Balestrieri’s What Happened to My Sex Life?: A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Reclaiming Lost Desire, Connection, and Pleasure. The book includes helpful questions at the end of each chapter that could help you and your husband start a meaningful conversation about sexual pleasure.

Have more sex, but switch it up. Wise says, “The more sex women have, the more they want. The way to have more sex is to have good sex.”

But skip the same old same old, says certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman, adding that approaching sex in new ways may lift that “going through the motions” feeling. Here’s how to start: 

• Read all about it. To help you reboot, Fleishman recommends reading Gillian Anderson’s book Want, a collection of confessions from women around the world about their sexual fantasies, to help get you in the mood and give you new ideas. 
• Try sex toys. Fleishman says sex toys are another great way to bring something new to the table. 
• Change where you have sex. Fleishman says whatever makes sex new and different, like taking it outside the bedroom, could give you a charge. 
• Design an ideal encounter. In situations like yours, licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson asks couples to define what romance and sex means to them: what it looks like, how it feels.

Then she has them design an ideal romantic sexual encounter — and set a date for it. “It becomes a way to communicate your interests and desires, and it’s a fun way to create an encounter and build excitement,” she says.

Harris-Jackson, also a certified sexuality educator, says it’s important to ask: “How are you reading each other’s desire and romance language?”

Get flirty. Remember that romance, like in the movies, starts outside the bedroom. Cooper says to consider telling your husband: “Let’s both become more flirty. I really need that to get me going.”

“Flirty gets short shrift,” says Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City.

She also suggests acting out a particular movie scene you like — and have your husband play along. As an example, you might say: “Sir, would you like a cocktail tonight? I have something special in mind for you.”