I Want Out of My Perfectly Good Marriage

And certified sex therapist Emily Jamea says before taking any steps to leave your spouse, it’s important to specifically examine what it is about your marriage that you feel is stopping you from growing into a new version of yourself.

Rethink the role your husband plays in your growth. “I would love for her to start with a little bit of a reframe,” says Jamea, author of Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion. “Instead of thinking of her partner as an inhibiting factor in her personal growth and expansion, think of him potentially as a safe place to land when she returns.”

Jamea encourages you to explore “the right balance” between your identity and your relationship with your husband. “It’s about having a secure sense of self while at the same time having a strong connection to your partner,” she says. “One should not impede the other.” 

Tell your husband how you’re feeling. Harris-Jackson suggests sitting down with your spouse and having a conversation that might start with something like this: “I have been someone’s something my whole life to the point that I don’t know who I am.”

Explain that you are going on a journey of self-discovery and that things might look different for the next months or a year, Harris-Jackson says. Ask your spouse to suspend any expectations he has of you for a while, she adds.

If your husband asks you what all of this means, Harris-Jackson says it’s fine to say, “I don’t know right now. I just want to lean into how I feel.”

If you don’t think your husband will do well with your self-exploration, that’s OK, too, Torrisi says — adding “they can figure it out, or not.”

At this point in a marriage, Torrisi says, people generally have an understanding of what a partner will and won’t accept. “Sometimes, though, we make false assumptions that can last for decades,” she notes. “Definitely talk about it, and don’t hold back.”

Plus, listen to what your husband has to say — and validate his initial response, says Jamea. “This is a good place to start.”

And don’t be surprised if your partner reacts negatively. As Harris-Jackson notes, “There’s no obligation for your partner to like who you are becoming. Your partner may say, ‘I don’t like this.’ ”

Keep the conversation going. Talking to your partner isn’t a one-off. Have a continuous and open conversation with your spouse about how you both are feeling during the discovery journey, says Harris-Jackson.

And prepare yourself for questions along the way. Harris-Jackson says your husband may say, “Hey, I’m noticing you are doing X, Y or Z. Is this part of your journey?” You may answer, “Yes, it is, and I want to keep doing this.”

Expect tumult. Jamea says your action may be “really destabilizing” to your relationship because it throws things off-balance. “Suddenly she’s shaking up the routine they’ve become accustomed to after 30 years together,” she says.

Harris-Jackson recommends that you temper your expectations of your husband. He may tell you he’s not into the change and wants to sever your connection. “Divorces happen,” she says. “Being prepared for this is important.”

But before you go the divorce route, take the time to do a reality check. Torrisi says there are key things to consider should you leave your marriage, including finances, caregiving in your later years, and the impacts on your family norms and traditions.

“These are real things to ask yourself,” she says. “Why do you need to leave the relationship in order to find yourself? What will it mean to be in your own apartment and deal with the finances of that? Maybe you can do both.”

Before putting your marriage in the rearview mirror, Torrisi suggests you consider beginning your journey by spending a month or two apart to figure out how to fulfill your needs without getting divorced.

“Go stay with a friend, rent an Airbnb, go live on your own,” she says. “It might be amazing.”