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My Husband’s Jealousy Is Ruining Our Marriage
His ex cheated on him, and now he thinks I will too
Kiersten Essenpreis
Here’s what’s in play in this week’s column: a jealous and critical husband whose behavior has upended his relationship with his wife.
Can this marriage be saved? Our experts offer their best guidance.
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My husband was married previously, and his wife cheated on him for 10 years. Now he doesn’t trust me, and he thinks I’m cheating on him, which I’m not. I am sick of him saying I am. He criticizes everything I do now, and when he gets mad at me he says he wishes that he’d never married me and that he wants a divorce. What should I do? Walking on eggshells. —Submitted via email by R.D.
First off, walking on eggshells is exhausting.
It’s important that your husband understands the hurt he is causing and the damage he is doing to your relationship, says certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon. As she puts it: “A marriage can’t function when one person is on trial all the time.”
Brandon, cohost of The Sex Doctors podcast, says you can have compassion for his history and still insist on kindness and respect in your marriage.
While your husband has endured his share of suffering, she says that doesn’t excuse taking it out on you.
Start with a conversation. Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman suggests that you and your husband talk about trust. Ask him: “What would it take for you to trust me — really trust me?”
But do set parameters, says Brandon, who suggests you start with “I love you and I’m committed to this marriage. I’m not cheating. But the accusations and divorce threats are damaging, and I won’t keep living this way.”
She also recommends setting a boundary for fights by saying something like, “If you’re upset, we can talk. If you accuse me or threaten divorce, I’m going to pause this conversation, and we’ll return to it later.”
Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says to tell him that his repeated accusations of cheating aren’t about you but could possibly be trauma-related symptoms of having been cheated on by his ex.
Cooper says your husband may also check the boxes for something called Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ROCD), in which a person compulsively questions their partner’s loyalty or love and constantly seeks reassurance that their love is real.
If the thought of having a conversation sounds daunting, Cooper suggests you either write him a letter or meet in a public space where you feel he is less likely to lose his temper.
Get professional help. If you decide you want to try and make the marriage work, Cooper highly recommends that the two of you see a couples counselor who has experience working with trauma and ROCD.
Sexuality and relationship coach Stella Harris says, “You are right. This sucks. He has some unresolved trauma, and that’s sad, but that’s his problem. This is textbook, the way he’s projecting his abandonment issues on you. This is the bread and butter of therapy.”
Harris adds that there’s no way to fix this without him working on himself. “He needs to put the time in and find a way to work through that baggage.”
Questions to consider. As you ponder the state of your marriage, Fleishman, who cohosts the Our Better Half podcast, suggests taking a self-inventory. How long have you been in the relationship? Has he been critical and angry for a long time? How happy are you in the marriage?
Fleishman says shining a light on your overall satisfaction may help you decide what you do next.
Think about if this relationship can be repaired. Joan Price, author of the newly updated book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, says what he’s doing could be emotional abuse, and that is probably not a relationship you want to stay in. “He unjustly accuses you of cheating, he criticizes your every move, he wants out, you have to tiptoe to avoid setting him off,” Price says, adding, “This is emotional abuse.”
Price says you deserve better, and that being alone is preferable to being with someone who rips apart your self-esteem.
Her parting thought: “Give yourself time on your own to heal; then, when you feel ready, open yourself to finding a partner who will value you as you deserve.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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